Page 55 of Lily, Unwritten
As I wandered back to the B&B later in the evening it felt as though my breath flowed easier. I looked up into the night sky; it was amazing how many more stars were visible out in the countryside. The air felt cleaner in my lungs too. For a brief moment I wished I was going home to Zack or Luke – to tell them this exciting news. But I stopped myself. No more of them. No more of that. This was all about me now, my new start. Time to focus on Lily.
Two short weeks later, all of my bags and boxes cluttered up the middle of Cassie’s drive as I waited for my dad to come and pick everything up, including me. He was taking me on the one-way trip. My parents still wished I would stay closer but they were supportive of the decision, on the whole. It all had to happen fast with Zoe’s baby being due within weeks and I felt like that was the best way. Rip that plaster off and move on.
Cassie reached for my hand; tears dragged her mascara down her face. “It’s not too late, you know. You could stay. You could talk to Luke. I could ring him and he’d be here in minutes. I know he would.”
I shook my head. “It is too late, but thank you for respecting my wishes by not telling him.”
“I can tell him the minute you’re gone, right?” She laughed as she spoke, but it didn’t disguise how upset she was.
“You can tell him I moved but not where. I wouldn’t make a big deal about it, though,” I shrugged. “This is weird. I know it isn’t, but it feels so final. Could hardly hold it together saying goodbye to the kids this morning.”
“I’ll keep you updated on all the news,” Cassie patted her stomach. “I honestly can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done.”
I wrapped my arms around her and sobbed into her hair. “I’d do anything for you; I love you. I miss you already. You’re going to need to turn your phone off to get away from my non-stop messages.”
“That had better be true,” she sobbed back to me. “And we’ll be down to visit as soon as possible.”
I heard the familiar sound of dad’s car as it turned into the driveway. I’d been so scared that first day of high school - I wasn’t good at making friends. Cassie’s beaming smile had seemed approachable and we’d hit it off instantly. I loved her so much but I couldn’t stay in a painful place purely for that. I needed this new start, I needed to find me again. The real me… Maybe for the first time.
Nineteen
The months passed me by at a different pace and my mind and body appreciated the gentler rhythm. Life was… different. Quiet, calm, stress free. It felt strange to be off the Zack and Luke rollercoaster that had been my daily reality for so long.
Occasionally it felt a bit lonely but I just remembered the person I’d been, the person I’d become, and that I could be anything in the middle of that.
May was horrendous. My mind constantly wandered to the fact that I should have been getting married. I wondered if it plagued Zack’s thoughts in the same way. I’d put all my memories of him into both a physical and mental box, just as with Luke, and I tried not to visit either unless absolutely necessary.
My job, however, was lovely. Zoe and I had become so close. Cassie kept telling me how jealous she was. Zoe’s baby, Isla, was almost five months old and she spent many days in the bakery being cooed over; the girl would be a master baker before she started school. Even though Zoe was meant to be just doing accounts and so on from home she couldn’t resist popping in for chats and to see how it was all going. I loved it when I was left in charge; I adored the happy customers in this quaint little place. The way of life was different, something the rest of the world could stand to learn from. A different life to those crazy commutes into Manchester city center.
It was a truly beautiful corner of Devon, about thirty minutes from the seaside, set in traditional English countryside. The kind of place where everybody knew each other, yet I wasn’t made to feel like an outsider. And as nobody knew my past, the familiarity didn’t bother me at all.
I rented a tiny terraced cottage from Edna, who also loved to call for a chat. My mum and dad had helped me with the initial costs while I got settled. It simply contained a living room, kitchen/diner, one bedroom, and a small bathroom. The back had a pretty, little patio to sit out in. I loved it as soon as I noticed the peonies that grew all along one side.
This life might have seemed boring to other people, but I was out of the place where I felt like a failure for not ‘having it all’. I had plenty of early nights and plenty of dawn starts at work. Other than the odd shared bottle of wine with Zoe; I kept myself to myself. I read more than ever and Luke would have been proud of how healthy I was now - there wasn’t even a place to order takeaway pizza from.
I’d had my hair cut into a wavy bob and hadn’t worn heels once since I’d arrived here. New Lily. Country Lily. Stress-free Lily. Man-free Lily. That was another positive about this place - there didn’t seem to be any single men. I was joyous about that fact. If Cassie thought I’d been sworn off them before, it was forged in steel now.
Summer and autumn passed this way. I was content as long as I didn’t think about the might have beens or the what ifs… no matter how pretty they were. Over that summer I received the best news in the world – Cassie was pregnant! In a way that was unlike her she’d managed to not blurt it out and had waited until she was twelve weeks, sending me a scan photo and a million kisses. I was so, so happy for her. There were no weird feelings like Zack had implied… I flinched as I thought of him, and quickly shut him out of my head.
Cassie had planned to come down for my birthday (I didn’t even want to think about thirty), but knowing she was pregnant and suffering with morning sickness I was much happier for her to stay at home and not undertake such a long drive. I promised I would travel north again soon to see her, but I honestly didn’t know if I could bring myself to ever go back to that town. My mum and dad also wanted to come down for my birthday but I just felt like I was better alone so, again, told a little white lie and promised to see them at the same time I visited Cassie.
My birthday was on a Sunday and I planned to go to the beach. Even though the November weather was now distinctly chilly I still loved to walk along the shore, feeling the shells crunch under my feet, breathing in that salty air which seemed to fill my lungs up with freshness. It felt as if I could breathe deeper when I was by the sea.
Zoe baked me an amazing cake on the Saturday night, and I had dinner with her and her husband, Marcus. Their house was only minutes from mine and I wandered home, swaying ever so slightly, with a stomach full of moussaka and pinot grigio. I drank rarely now so it really affected me when I did.
A few cards had arrived with the postman that morning but as I walked up the driveway I saw another envelope on the mat. Strange, maybe it had gone to a neighbour by mistake and they’d left it there for me?
I put the envelope down on the side with the others, locked the door, and headed to bed, feeling trepidatious. My twenties had been weird; I didn’t feel they were what twenties should have been. What on earth was going to happen in my thirties? I hoped just happiness and peaceful times. I was only asking for the simplest things.
As I climbed into bed, cuddled up in warm pyjamas, I worried that although I was happy to have this peaceful life, if this was how I spent the next ten years, would I just awake aged forty and feel like I had missed out on everything? Regardless, there was nothing I could do right now. I wasn’t going to open myself up to those levels of pain again.
I’d made sure to get a special birthday breakfast in for myself. I could spoil myself, who needed a bloody ABC of birthday presents anyway? So flashy, so not new Lily.
Early the following morning, I sat in my little courtyard garden; even though it was cold the morning air was beautiful; crisp and clear in my lungs. I had a huge mug of Starbucks brew coffee, a warm pain au chocolat, and a stack of birthday cards to open.
The cards from my parents warmed my heart. They’d sent me one each, which was gorgeous but I worried it was because they thought I wouldn’t have many to open. There were others from aunts and uncles. A beautiful card from Cassie who had filled every tiny space with funny stories from our past; it took an age to read and made me laugh out loud multiple times. She’d also separately sent pictures that Ruby and Emilia had drawn of her with a huge tummy, which just made my heart burst open with love. How had Zack ever wanted me to not do that for Cassie? Lily, just stop it, stop thinking about it. I put my head down into my hands, took a deep breath, and opened the last card, which I now noticed had been hand delivered. It was the one from the doormat last night, and it had no post mark.
It was a beautiful illustration of a lily plant in bloom. My heartbeat tripped over itself as I read the inscription.