Page 25 of Wicked Devotions
“No,” I answer decisively. “I wouldneverdo that to you.”
“Then why don’t you want to touch me?”
A lump forms in my throat as I battle my fear to find the words to explain myself to her. I’ve never been so scared. A tear rolls down her cheek, and it feels like a knife to my heart. I hate that I’m doing this to her.
I deserve whatever she decides to do. I’ve known this about myself for so long, I’ve just let her stay with me because I love her so damn much. I wish I could protect her from my truth.
“Am I not pretty enough or something? Do I not turn you on or something?”
“No, no.” I scoot toward her, grabbing her hands and squeezing them. “You’re the most beautiful woman in the world.” It’s one thousand percent true. “I’m the problem, it’s all me. It’s never been you.”
“Okay,” her voice trails off as she stares into my eyes.
“I’m never turned on.”
A wrinkle creases her brow. “Are you gay?”
“No. I’m asexual.”
“What does that mean?”
Her head tilts to the side as I explain how it manifests for me. She takes in everything I say with no judgment, just curiosity. After I’m done, she blinks tears from her eyes and stands up.
“Excuse me for a few minutes?”
“Of course.” She can have as long as she needs to process what I just told her. She can have a thousand years, I’ll always be here for her. Unless she asks me to go.
After a few minutes I have to stand up and pace to get rid of this nervous energy. I cross the room to the windows and look into the backyard for the first time. They have a sparkling pool; lights shine from below the surface of the turquoise waters. The urge to jump in and sit at the bottom rides mehard, but I have to be here for her when she comes back.
I don’t know how much time passes when I hear her walk softly into the living room behind me.
“I have a few questions.” She looks composed now, but her eyes and nose are reddened.
“I’ll answer anything.” We both sit back down, and I turn on the lamp beside me.
“Have I been assaulting you all these years? With the kisses and touching you?”
“No.” I shake my head vehemently. “No. You didn’t know. I didn’t even know to be honest. It took reading so many books to figure out what these feelings were inside me. And kissing you, without tongue, doesn’t make me feel like crawling out of my skin.”
“Oh goodness.” She simultaneously laughs and sobs. “I don’t know how to take that.”
“I’m sorry, that came out so wrong.” Tears escape my eyes at having hurt her with my blunt honesty.
“Does it feel like that? The thought of having sex? It makes your skin crawl?”
“Yes.”
“It doesn’t for me. In fact, I want to crawl out of my skin when I’m not touched.” She stares over myshoulder as she loses herself in thought. “Where does that leave us?”
The fact that there’s even still an ‘us’ in her mind makes my chest explode. “I have an idea, but it’s unorthodox.”
She meets my eyes and nods for me to continue.
“I don’t want to lose you. I love you so much, I always have, and I always will.”
“So you love me but like a friend or sister?”
“No, not even close. I love you like my other half. You make my world feel whole. The love I have for you is beyond friendship and family. It’s infinite and woven inextricably in my existence. I can’t imagine a life without you as my partner.”