Page 4 of Before the Fall
I give her a tiny smile that barely hides how miserable I am right now. I’d give the world to not have to say these terrible words.
I don’t take my eyes off her, needing to fill my mind with the memory of Tia happy. Even standing at the sink in a pair of gray yoga pants and an old UNC T-shirt with her blond hair up in a messy ponytail, she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
How the hell am I going to say I never want to see her again?
I hear her shut off the faucet, and my chest tightens. As she dries her hands on that dish towel with the roosters on it, I suddenly can’t remember how I wanted to start this conversation. Fuck. I had this whole thing plotted out in my mind as I was driving down here yesterday afternoon. I found the perfect way to say what I need to, and now I can’t remember a goddamned word of it.
“You seem quiet tonight, Jaxon. Something on your mind?” she asks sweetly, far too nice for someone like me.
Smiling, even though happiness has no place inside me now, I nod. God, I can’t bring myself to say anything right now.
“You said you wanted to talk. What’s up?” she asks with a playful lilt in her voice that tells me she has no idea what’s coming next.
I clear my throat, but it’s like every word I need to say is stuck in there. This shouldn’t be so hard. Tia deserves to be away from the kind of danger I bring to her life. I know this is for the best, but I’m not thinking with my head right now.
My heart’s in charge, and it doesn’t want me to let her go.
“I just felt like we need to talk,” I say, barely able to utter even those syllables.
“Okay,” she says with an adorable smile as she walks around the table to sit on my lap. “What’s on your mind?”
Jesus, all I can think about is how much I love feeling her next to me. I don’t think I can do this. I can’t break up with her tonight. Maybe tomorrow when I’m leaving to head back to Pennsylvania. That would be a better time to do this.
I look into her beautiful eyes and see so much love in them. I don’t deserve her or the sweetness she brings to my life. I’m a killer. That she forgave me for how we met and what I did back then only proves that she deserves better than me.
“Is something wrong, Jaxon? You look like you’re going to be sick.”
Even as I shake my head, I know I have to tell her.
I lift Tia off my lap and set her on her feet next to me before standing. I can’t face her when I say this, so I focus my attention on that spot on the wall from that time when we were playing around and I knocked over her lamp by mistake. It left a dimple in the plaster I keep telling myself I’ll fix the next time I come down to see her, but I never get around to it.
Now it will be a permanent feature of the wall. Or worse, the next guy she starts dating will fix it. Fuck, I hate the idea of her with anyone else.
If only there was another way.
“So I think I’m going to have to stop coming here,” I mumble, hating how the words sound as they leave my mouth.
Beside me, Tia makes a noise that reminds me of how I sound every time I’ve been shot. It’s the sound of utter agony.
“What? I don’t…I don’t understand.” she says with so much hurt in her voice that a knot forms in the pit of my stomach.
I take a step toward the door and stop, still not looking at her as I continue. “I just think it’s time.”
Fuck, none of this is coming out like I want it to. I promised myself I wouldn’t be a jackass when I told her, and that’s exactly how I sound.
“Time for what? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Finally, I turn to face her and see pure sadness in her expression. “It’s been fun, hasn’t it? We had some great times together. I just think it’s time to say goodbye.”
Tears fill her eyes as she shakes her head. “Why are you saying this? You’re breaking up with me? Why? What happened, Jaxon?”
“Nothing happened. I just think it’s time. This whole long distance thing was always going to be hard. Turns out it was harder than I thought it would be. It’s okay. We made some good memories, right?”
My casual way of saying I don’t want to see her anymore only makes things worse, and Tia begins to cry. It’s breaking my heart to see her so sad and to know I’m the reason she feels like this. I want to take her into my arms and say I was only making a bad joke. She’s kind. She’d accept that after slapping me across the face, which is something I deserve at this moment.
But I can’t go back now. Every moment I’m with Tia puts her in danger. It’s better to hurt her like this than to have her suffer far worse because of me.
Finally, the floodgates open, and tears stream down her face. She pushes against my chest, angry at me like she should be.