Page 115 of Dawn of Hope
Roley nods, his gaze dropping to the floor.
“Come on,” Mara says, taking a few steps back toward the ladder. “Let’s get back inside.”
“Be there in a minute,” I call after her. Everyone heads back to the ladder and the lowered platform and walks back toward the cabin.
Roley’s sadness hits me deep in my chest. It feels like I have known Fin for years, even though it has only been weeks or months. I am not really sure.
It feels like I have knownallthe Voyagers for years. That one of us is missing feels like an enormous gaping hole has formed in this unsuspecting family.
“Are you alright?” Dane asks.
“Not really.”
“I’m sorry,” he says. He closes the distance between us and wraps his arms around my waist.
“You weren’t going to come look for me?” I ask, confused. His and Mara’s argument finally registers. It sounded like he was trying to talk her out of searching for me.
“I was, but Mara wanted to send out search parties since there were two of you gone. I have to remain the strong one here. I needed to talk her down to make sure everyone stayed safe. If you had come back just a few minutes later, just like you did, we’d have no way of calling back everyone who had left.”
I nod. “That makes sense.”
He lifts my chin, forcing me to look up at him. “What she couldn’t see is that I was going crazy inside, wanting to run out and find you myself. I was going to give it a little more time before I allowed only Mara and myself to go search, just like you and I did for Fin.”
“You were worried?”
“Of course I was worried. I can’t let anything happen to you. You’re too important.”
My chest squeezes. Has anyone ever told me I am important before, when they weren’t referring to me ruling a kingdom?
I tilt my head up toward him, silently asking for a kiss. He obliges, meeting my lips tenderly, like he knows that what I need right now is comfort.
I break away and plant my face into his chest, just before I feel myself break. He wraps his arms around my shoulders, pulling me close, and I let go.
I cry.
One advantage to being alone your entire life is that you never have to experience loss. I don’t count my mother as a loss, because I never had her. Even grieving the loss of what could have been after reading her diary feels so different from this.
Fin isgone.
This little boy, a little brother I never had, has been erased from my life, and simultaneously erased from the lives of those back home waiting for him.
My tears soak Dane’s shirt as he clutches me. He says nothing, just lets me grieve. This loss isn’t new to him. It might not be new for any of the Voyagers except Lilly and me. But I feel like my heart has cracked, and will never truly heal.
Once my sobs have slowed and my breaths start to deepen, Dane leans back and pushes my hair off of my face.
“Let’s go get some rest. It has been a long two days.”
I nod silently, not meeting his eye.
My mind is blank as I go through the motions, following Dane back to our cushion. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I just want to fall into a deep sleep.
Dane is right, we need rest. I don’t want to deal with all the emotions swimming in my head, but every time I close my eyes and start to fade away into the relief of sleep, my mind finds its way back to that cave.
Haven’t you noticed that I’ve done nothing to hurt you?
It’s not me you need to protect yourself against.
Mind tricks. That’s all they are. Slowly trying to eat away at me and get me to doubt everything I know.