Page 42 of Never Forever
“Yes, I know. I still think you should be going directly to New York, but I understand wanting to work on your craft before you start auditioning against much stiffer competition. Why is this news?”
“Because I’m going to Boston with Matt.”
“Matt? Matthew Sullivan?”
“Yes!” I shouted. “Matt Sullivan. My boyfriend for the last two years. The guy I’ve been to two proms with, the guy who took my virginity-”
“Carrie, really,” she interrupted. “I don’t need to know such things.”
“Yes, you do, Mom. You need to know that I’m with him. One hundred percent. That I’m going to Boston with him and that we’re going to live together!”
Her expression hardened, her eyes narrowed. But I was prepared for any argument. It didn’t matter what she said. This was my life. My future. And I should get to choose it for me.
“I see,” she said calmly.
“Do you?” I asked her. “Because I want this, Mom. I want this so much. I want Matt more than…more than I want acting.”
She stood, her shoulders back, her posture perfect. The sky was dark on the other side of the skylights and windows and she glowed pale against it. “Carrie, you need to listen to me. Matt Sullivan is never going to be anything more than a ferry boat captain in Calico Cove.”
I shook my head. “That’s not true. He’s got a scholarship to Boston University. He can be anything he wants.”
“Trust me, I know his father. I know him. This town is as big as it gets for them.”
“His father has nothing to do with this. In fact,” I said. “His father has been really supportive and lovely and good to me.”
“As opposed to me, is what you are insinuating.”
“Well, you certainly haven’t embraced him with open arms, have you?”
Mom looked out the window. A million stars stared back at her. Mom looked whisper thin and pale.
I don’t want to hurt you, Mom.But you’re not leaving me a choice.
Every year since Dad left had taken something from her. I saw it but I didn’t know how to stop it. Mom had never been a cuddler. When I had a nightmare or skinned my knee playing with Annie, I went to Gran for the kisses and hugs.
I stepped forward thinking I might hug her, maybe she could hug me back. Maybe we could make something better from this awful moment. But she flinched. Imperceptible almost, but I saw it. I saw it and I stopped.
“I’m sorry if this all disappoints you,” I said. “I’m not saying I’m not going to audition or take smart roles or any of that. I just need you to understand, whatever I do, Matt has to be a part of it. I love him.”
“Hmm. Yes. Love is a very powerful emotion,” she said. She lifted her hand to her forehead. “My head is screaming. You’ll forgive me if I don’t want to discuss this anymore.”
Instantly, I felt contrite because I was the one who made her headache worse.
“Can I get you anything for it?”
“No,” she said as she walked by me. “I’m going to bed. You’ve done enough.”
I nodded but kept my mouth closed. I could never make her happy.
But I’d done it, and the next time I saw Matt he would know that I was, in fact, brave.
The next dayMatt took his dad to a doctor’s appointment, so I didn’t see him. The day after he had to take his dad to a different doctor in Portland.
Me: Is everything okay?
Matt: Fine. Old man stuff.
The day after that I got called for a commercial. Three weeks in LA, but I had to fly out to the coast the following day.