Page 84 of Never Forever

Reality returned like a sledgehammer.

“Are you okay?” he asked and his voice was distant.

Careful. I closed my eyes. “Fine,” I said, making my voice cold to match his. Colder than it needed to be, because fuck him.

He pulled away, out of my body, and I gasped at the sensation. The loss. The sudden ache. I bent and pulled my shorts up over my hips. Buttoning them as much as I could.

“Well, I think we can agree that was a tie,” I said, tossing my hair over my shoulder like what had just happened wasn’t soul crushing.

He was silent. Completely silent and I needed him to say something. Even to grunt. Like he got the joke or something.

But he gave me nothing.

Instead, he tucked in his shirt, pushed his hair off his face, only to have it slip back down over his forehead. I wanted to brush it away, but I was never touching him again. I’d learned my lesson. I curled my hands into fists, my fake nails digging into my skin so I wouldn’t cry.

Say something. Say something.

“I’ll take you to The Dumont,” he said.

I nodded.

It wasn’t until hours later when I was back in my hotel room, staring at the inspiration wall I’d taken down from my trailer, that it occurred to me.

We didn’t use a condom.

19

The Next Day

Matt

“Dad?” I yelled, walking through the front door. He wasn’t napping, or making a cup of tea, which could only mean he was one place. I walked over the yellow linoleum in the kitchen to the back door. The screen was open.

When I was a kid, this backyard had a fort Dad built with his own hands. Also, about ten different bikes he was always in the process of repairing for me. When I got to high school and got serious about the decathlon, he cleared out the bikes and the fort and made a high jump pit.

He used to sit in a folding chair, drinking tea and watching me practice my approach. For hours he did that. I can’t even imagine how boring that must have been.

The kittens came out of the garage tumbling over each other to run into my boot.

“Dumb and Ass,” I muttered. Last night was their fault. All their fault for getting up into the rafters and forcing us to come here. Well, them and the old man in the house, with the memories of the past and the pictures of her still up on the wall in my bedroom.

And me. And her.

Fuck!

I stepped over the kittens, immune to their cuteness. Immune to all cuteness and beauty and charm.

I was back to ice water in his veins Matt Sullivan.

I was also here to stop my dad from meddling in my business.

“Dad?” I called again, looking out over the mile high tomato plants. The climbing peas, the holly hocks, the squash and zucchini plants. It was a magical garden back here.

This was what I thought of instead of the sound Carrie made in her throat when I drove myself inside of her from behind.

She’d been so fucking tight. Had I hurt her? She would never tell me if I did. She would rather die, I knew that. She’d never believe it coming from me, but I never wanted to hurt her. Now it seemed like that was all we really had left.

Damn it. I needed to get out of my head.