Page 17 of I Can't Bear It
“He ran out to get us lunch and check on Ollie.” Nikolai looked at his phone and shrugged. “He should be back in a few minutes. But I might call it a day and pick up Willow from the nursery.”
“Are you doing okay?” I placed my hand on his shoulder and squeezed. “You look exhausted and drained.”
“Willow isn’t sleeping. Which means I’m not sleeping.” Nikolai shook his head. “Then, when I get her down to nap, I am still too worked up to sleep. I keep thinking about all the things that could go wrong. I must check her breathing. I-I can’t sleep.”
“I understand.” I shrugged. “Sort of. Is there anything we can do to help? Have you spoken with the therapists about the anxiety and insomnia?”
“They just say it’s grief and try to push pills on me. I don’t need pills. I need my wife back and to know my daughter won’t leave me, too.”
My heart hurt for this man. I didn’t know what I would do if Peter passed away. I would probably put dents into walls and blow up plants, too. “Have you thought about taking a break and staying home with Willow for a few months?”
“Maybe I should. I thought getting back into things would help. Moving on with life would be okay because that’s what I must do. And, at first, it worked. Sort of. I was numb and acting on autopilot. Get up, feed, change, shower, drop Willow off at the nursery, and come up here to work or continue with my training.”
“But that didn’t last?”
“No. Suddenly, it was like the floodgates opened, and all the pain that the numbness had been keeping from me bombarded me. I was changing Willow’s diaper; she smiled and looked like her mom. That was the trigger. And since the box opened, I can’t stop the chaos of emotion in me. Wolf tells me to ground myself and focus, but I can’t.”
“Then I suggest taking a break. Go home with your baby and just be her dad for a few weeks or months and let yourself feel all those emotions. Once you face them and feel them fully, you can learn to balance again.”
“Thanks, man,” Nikolai said. “It’s just been tough to talk to anyone in the family about it. We all lost her, and I know that. But…”
“But she was your wife. It’s different.” I nodded, understanding. “When we talk to someone grieving, we try to show that we can relate by comparing it to what we know. But that doesn’t help the grieving. And sometimes can bring out anger or frustration.”
“I might have broken a few mugs at home while speaking with my brother or parents. I know they are trying. I just don’t know what I need right now, except that it’s not how they miss her, either.”
“Hey, did I miss anything interesting?” Wolf said, stepping off the elevators and walking up to the dent in the wall. “Maybe we need to pause training for a bit.”
“Actually.” Nikolai smiled at me and patted my back as he walked toward Wolf. “That’s exactly what Karl and I were discussing just now.”
Chapter Twelve
Peter
“Did you believe I would let you two go that easily?” My ex’s voice on the other end of the phone chilled me to my bones.
“How did you get my number?” This was not supposed to happen. Was there a mole in GSC?
“You called your friend Ronnie the other day, remember?” Alessandro scoffed. “Didn’t you know he was dating Tony?”
“Ronnie told on me?” I thought our friendship was real and I could trust him, even though he was in the city.
“No. He’s loyal to you. But he was unaware Tony had come home early and heard part of the call. So, when Ronnie was in the shower, Tony copied the number from his phone and sent me the information.”
“I thought you’d moved on, Alessandro.” I checked the door, ensured it was locked, and walked toward the kitchen to check the back door. “You signed the divorce papers and already have a new twink warming your bed.”
“Jealous?”
“No.”
“What am I going to do with you, Peter? You put me in a very tough spot.”
“Just let us go, Alessandro. We’ll disappear from your life, and you’ll never have to see us again. Just let us be.”
“You made me look like an idiot,” Alessandro growled. “You promised to stay by my side.”
“That was before you fell back into your family’s business. I never wanted that life. And you said you didn’t either. You are the one who changed us. I warned you so many times that I didn’t want to bring our children up around violence and death.”
“The families are all upset that I let you two leave. They think I was being a fool by marrying you and trusting you. No one makes me look foolish and lives, but I should let you? Why should I let you go?”