Page 67 of The Love We Make

Just kidding, yes I would. I would never regret New York with her. But I really did have to get past it to pitch. One line-drive back to me and I was going to be taken down.

I rubbed the ball between my palms as I looked up and saw myself on the big screen in the outfield. This game was being televised and the camera angles were from the TV cameras.

And that is how I got my shit together.

Not because I realized I didn’t want to embarrass myself on TV, but because a thought that maybe Madison was watching popped into my head. If she was, I had to be two things—on my game and stoic to her effect on me. I had to show her that I was ok, that I kept our deal, and didn’t want more than what we had over the weekend.

So I walked up the hill and settled in for a night that Arizona was going to hate. When I was focused and determined, my slider was unhittable. And knowing Madison may have been watching, I zeroed in with laser focus.

I never cared if she watched before. I loved it when she came to the games but I always knew she had things going on in her own life and never expected her to watch every single game. But I knew she mostly did. Occasionally I would get a post-game text telling me what she thought about my game.

I hoped today would be the same. I would kill Arizona and leave her with no choice but to send me a goofy GIF of Honey Boo Boo telling me I had “chicken nugget power.”

But after 8 solid innings, I left the game to our closer and headed to the locker room, only to find no texts. No calls. No Facebook updates or Instagram posts.

She was dead serious about this time away. And even though I agreed to it, I didn’t like it. I didn’t realize it would be so hard.

Even though I wasn’t in love with Madison, I felt my heart begin to break as if I was. My chest had an unusual pain and my knees wanted to give out. The urge to cry hit me for a millisecond before I remembered I was a grown-ass man. And grown ass men didn’t cry.

Especially over a woman.

Especially in a locker room.

The game ended minutes later and the team filed into the locker room. I didn’t have to pitch again for five days so when everyone started making plans to go out for a drink, I opted in. I couldn’t wallow in my room, alone like a pussy.

“Wanna get a nightcap?” Eddie teased as we walked from the stadium to the team bus. Once we were back at the hotel, we would leave in a taxi wherever we wanted to go.

“Of course I want a nightcap,” I said as playfully as I could. “As long as she’s not a dirty blonde.”

Chapter 24

Madison

It had been an entire week since I said goodbye to Ethan at the airport. Other than returning to work, I spent most of my time curled into a ball, missing him so badly it hurt.

Before New York, I always talked to him every night. Or at the very least I texted him. I was tempted to shoot him a few words here and there but I knew he would think I was reneging on our deal. I didn’t want him regretting making love to me because it made me clingy. I wanted him to think I was happy and moving on. That I didn’t let the weekend change us.

I only got small glimpses when he pitched against Arizona. I tuned into the game to see him, to see his face. Which may have been cheating on the deal but I was a fan, he was a player, what was I supposed to do? That is how I rationalized it in my head, but I was really looking athim. His demeanor. His stance. Any signs he was affected by not being “us”.

But he looked flawless, as always. I never wanted him to have a bad game, but damn, a few wild pitches and a look of longing wouldn’t have hurt my ego.

When the game ended, I decided I needed to do as I said I would and stay busy and move on. I remembered the weekend was coming and Chase’s charity golf tournament would take my mind off things and give me a purpose. I got giddy at the thought of being around people who were spending an entire weekend having fun but also raising money and awareness for a good cause.

When I got home from New York, I was immediately contacted by Becca, Chase’s girlfriend, to see if I could caddy for a group of four golfers instead of delivering beer and balls. I was nervous but it sounded fun and I agreed to do so.

Since then, she and I had been texting regularly despite how little we knew each other. We had only met once or twice since her relationship with Chase began. He retired and was no longer around Ethan as much. But I loved her sweet personality and the way she handled Chase.

She even apologized on his behalf for falling into Ethan’s stalking plan. If only I had had her number when he was doing the stalking. I am sure she would have saved me.

Or maybe Chase saved me because without him blocking me, without me getting upset with Ethan to the point of madness, I may not have come up with the idea to sleep with Ethan. I may not have been driven to ask for such drastic measures.

And I would never ever regret the time Ethan and I spent together. It was dangerous and irresponsible of us, but it was amazing. It was exactly what Ethan said I deserved: Perfection.

I would be forever thankful to him for insisting I wait to share my first time with someone that loved me.

I didn’t think I would be longing for him this long or this hard. I knew there was a chance I would blur the friendship lines, but I didn’t imagine it being like this.

Like hell.