Page 88 of The Love We Make

“I think sex with Ethan was what made you realize you wanted more from him. But it's always been there. It's always been you and Ethan. The rest of us have been waiting for you two to figure it out, too.”

“The rest of you?”

“Me and your dad, his parents, everyone in this town…. The rest of us.”

I stood up and started pacing. My mom was certifiable. She was crazy. She was a lunatic. She was in need of some kind of therapy.

Or maybe she was right.

Chapter 29

Ethan

“Hey buddy, sorry I couldn’t make it earlier. I am sorry it took me so long to find out what happened.”

I was crouched down at the spot where Ben had been laid to rest. The dirt was still fresh and his little headstone had a temporary marker. It had taken me a little bit to find out where he was, where I could pay my respects.

I started by heading to his house. It felt rude to just come to town and not let his mom know I was there. It felt intrusive to visit her son’s grave and not ask her if it was ok first.

His mom fell into tears when I showed up at her door. Tim had tried to tell her I was coming, but he only managed to get me her address. So it was a surprise to her that I had shown up.

I hugged her and told her how sorry I was about Ben. I tried to tell her that those 15 minutes I knew Ben meant a lot to me. That he was special. But I was shit with words.

She offered me a cup of coffee and I accepted but we mostly just sat there in silence. I had a lot of questions. I wanted to know more about Ben and about their life, but it felt rude.

Eventually, I asked if I could visit him. I wanted to know where he was buried and I wanted to chat with him one more time, even if it was one-sided.

“I hate this, Ben. I hate that you didn’t get the chances you deserve in this life. But I will be forever thankful I got to meet you in that diner. You may not think so, but you had a huge impact on me. I saw myself in you. I left that diner wanting the world for you.”

I ran a hand through my hair and picked at the dirt a little, while I tried to think of what to say next.

“I wish you had gotten to step onto a major league field. A major league mound. It’s exhilarating and something I probably have been taking for granted as time passes. I’ll make sure I soak it in more. I will make sure I appreciate every throw from that mound.”

I bit my lip, feeling like I was sounding lame. I was glad I was alone. I didn’t want anyone else witnessing my ramble. This was just for Ben and me.

“I wish you had gotten to tell the girl you had a crush on her.” I huffed a laugh at myself, of all the things, I wish Ben had gotten to tell the girl. Even more than baseball. “Sometimes, getting the girl is better than the game. When I was 12, I had a crazy crush on a girl, but I never told her, either. I was too scared of losing my friendship with Madison. By the way, Madison isn’t my girl. I kinda lied. But at that moment, she felt like my girl…..” I trailed off, still picking at the dirt. I shrugged to myself, not sure why I was telling him that.

“Oh, hey. Go find Babe Ruth in heaven and try striking him out. That would be badass, striking out the king. Throw him a slider. I know you didn’t get time to develop the slider but it's heaven and I hear all things are possible in heaven.”

I stood up and stared down at the grave one more time. I had a flight back to Atlanta in a couple of hours and knew I needed to leave. But I didn’t want to leave until I was sure I said everything I needed to say.

“I gotta pitch again in a couple of days. I will probably be throwing a lot of fastballs so if you want to tune in and laugh at my ugly mug, it’d be nice having a friend there. It's been kinda weird not having Madison there. She and I have had to come to a new normal I think. Not sure when she will be at another game. But I can figure it all out. Maybe.”

I looked to the sky and took a deep breath, knowing my time was up.

“Ok, I’m out buddy. Maybe I will be back one day. I have your mom’s number and everything. I can check in from time to time.”

I gave myself one last silent second and then turned to leave. Before I made it two steps, though, something hit me. I turned back and stared at the marker in silence for a few minutes. My heart started beating rapidly and I found clarity in my hazy thoughts. I nodded and smiled again before heading to the car.

Calling behind me as I went, I said, “Ok, Ben. I’ll do that, buddy. Promise.”

Chapter 30

Ethan - 12 years old

Madison was right. Pitching was where my heart was. I loved swinging a bat, but the thrill of striking out hitters was just as cool. Plus, I was good at it.

I looked from the mound to the stands where Madison was sitting next to two of her friends from school. They always came with her to watch me. Well, I think they came with her as an excuse to be there and really just wanted to watch the boys play baseball.