Page 87 of The Love We Make
How did you tell your mom you lost your virginity to your best friend? Or lost in at all? Sex wasn’t something we steered clear from. Mom always told me I could tell her when I was ready and she would help me get on birth control or how to protect myself.
But that never happened because I never had sex.
And now I was old enough to take care of myself.
“I asked Ethan to take my virginity,” I blurted, not knowing how else to start my story.
Mom raised an eyebrow but never looked shocked. “Ok,” was all she said.
“And then he did,” I added.
Mom started nodding, still running a hand down my back. “Ok,” she repeated.
“We promised we would separate sex and friendship.”
“But you didn’t?”
“I didn’t, he is doing fine.”
“Is he?”
“Yeah, he told me from the beginning he could separate the feelings. I promised him I could too. We had a whole plan with conditions and rules.”
My face was red, embarrassment flooding my veins at how honest I was being with my mom. But I was 24 years old. I was old enough to have sex and she knew it.
“So what has happened since?”
“I told him I didn’t want to see him for a month, just to make sure I was good. But all I have done is miss him. At first, I thought I missed his friendship because we weren’t texting or any of our normal things. Then two weeks after New York, we ran into each other again and, um… it happened again.”
Mom let out a small laugh. I guess I couldn’t blame her, this whole thing was ridiculous. But it really did just happen, although I spared her the dirty details. I felt out of control. I don’t think I had much of a choice when it came to Ethan.
“I think I knew after that time that I was doomed. That I didn’t just miss him because he was my best friend.”
“So you ran home?”
“Yep,” I said matter of fact, “I am here to hide and heal my heart.”
“Seems like a weird place to hide since this is where you and Ethan first fell in love.”
I jerked my head up at her words. I wasn’t in love with Ethan. Ethan definitely wasn’t in love with me. I knew that because I honestly didn’t feel any different than I did before we had sex. The only difference was that Iwishedit was that way. I wanted him more. But I still loved him just the same as I always had.
“Don’t look at me like that,” mom scolded. “You two were in love with each other since you were seven. Or maybe when you were five. Geez, I don’t know. It's been forever.”
“Mom, you have the wrong idea. This isn’t about me being in love with Ethan, this is about me wishing I was in love with Ethan. Or that he loved me. But my feelings for him never changed.”
“Of course they didn’t, because you have always been in love with him.”
Huh? “I do love him, but it’s not the right way.”
“And what way is that?”
“I don’t know. Therightway?”
“How do you know you haven’t always loved him the right way?”
This woman was making me crazy. This isn’t how I expected the conversation to go.
“Mom, I just know I feel differently. But that I also want us to be the same as we always were.”