Page 19 of Dirty Monsters

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I felt indifferent as I made my way to Linda’s office for my morning therapy session. Pushing the door open, I sighed. This was the very last thing I wanted to do. Sit and talk about my feelings.

“Good morning, Wren,” she said, smiling up at me as she took her usual seat.

I flopped down on the couch and waited, counting to ten in my head. When I didn’t respond to her, she started in on me. “What’s going on today? You’ve shut down. Normally, when I say good morning, you reply with sarcasm or some other comment, but today, you’re quiet. Why is that?”

I shrugged, still refusing to speak. She shook her head. “We can sit here all day, Wren. I need to know you’re not going to do something to harm yourself. Quite frankly, I’m worried about you right now.”

I sighed, rolling my eyes. “I’m fine… okay?”

“Does this have anything to do with Jacob?”

“Who’s Jacob?” I asked, assuming it was the guy I saw on the bed this morning but not knowing for sure. No one had said any names yesterday at lunch.

“I’m sure you’re aware by now there was an incident with one of our residents last night.”

“Oh… yeah.”

“Let’s talk about it. How did it make you feel when you heard about the situation?”

“I didn’t give a shit,” I admitted. “It’s his own fault if he can’t handle himself.”

I felt like these people thrived on weakness and knowing our deep dark secrets as they festered within us.I wouldn’t give her anything.

“Okay, how about this. Picture yourself in his situation. How would you feel?”

“It’d suck.”

The conversation went on like that for the next half hour. I knew what she was doing. Trying to get me to see what was happening without telling me and that I was lying to myself if I thought I was okay.Ha, I was perfectly fine. Not my horse, not my carousel.

I think the only reason she let me leave was because she was frustrated. Hell, I was frustrated. I didn’t want to be here, but I also didn’t know how to help myself outside of this place.

After lunch, the afternoon session consisted of a former rehab patient coming in to explain her journey through drugs and recovery. How far she’d come from where she was. The past five days I’d been there had started to change me.

I still didn’t believe drugs were a big deal. They were another fun Saturday night trick. I knew what was happening today. The therapists were using this as a here’s-what-happens-when-you-do-drugs lesson. And sure, maybe I might care if I cared about anything. We listened to Mandy’s sad story this afternoon in group therapy. I still found it hard to believe her life had become so much better since she’d stopped taking drugs.

The drugs made me feel alive. It was the only thing that did.

I’d come to the conclusion that not seeing Ro that morning had whacked out my whole damn day. He was my bright point to the mornings, and without him, I couldn’t seem to move on.

Maybe it was a new type of addiction.Seeing him.Watching as he took wave after wave.

After group therapy, I made my way down to the beach. Some of the other patients on my floor were allowed to visit, so I followed suit. I checked behind me every few steps to make sure I wasn’t being followed. I probably wasn’t one of the ones granted access to the beach, but those walls were making me feel claustrophobic.

I passed a group of people on horseback as I made my way down the dunes to the beach and wondered if they were a part of the inpatient crowd who worked with horses for their treatment. My feet felt warm as I stepped from the boardwalk into the sand, my eyes trailing over all the people lazing about. It was more crowded now than it typically was in the mornings.

I didn’t anticipate seeing him on the beach, but I had hoped.

Sure enough, I saw him dipping off his board into the water like a god. When I stopped close to the shore, I plopped down in the sand, allowing it to curl between my toes and through my hands.

Nurse Ro grimaced in pain as if he was fighting a demon of his own.

Aren’t we all?

I waited for him to towel off like he normally did, but it didn’t happen. He paused right in front of me like he wanted to say something, and I took a moment to check him over.

My eyes caressed those dripping wet abs, muscle cut and solid. A dark happy trail sank down, disappearing below his swim trunks, low on his narrow hips, teasing the deep V line. I hadn’t seen him this close before, not without his scrubs on. It was so much better than seeing him from the window. He was breathtaking.