Page 88 of Craving Demons
Grey was a bit rigid in his affections. He was exacting in everything he did. He saw the world in black and white: not good and evil, but more order and chaos. And he was going to maintain order if it was the last thing he did.
The only place he seemed to relax was at one of his animal shelters. I went with him and was astonished to see all his rigidity and austerity melt away, replaced by a broad, innocent smile. He was a kid, rolling on the floor and playing with all the kittens and puppies and other animals. The difference was almost unbelievable, and I smiled and laughed with him and enjoyed every moment of it.
Ramsey was all hot and lusty, which made him the easiest for me to understand of my three men. Passion and sex were things I knew well, and the two of us burned brightly when we were together. Also, I didn’t have to worry so much after the custom-made super-condoms we ordered arrived.
He never said he loved me after that first time and I convinced myself that it had been as I’d said: that he lovedfuckingme, not the other thing. Still, after a while, that relationship began to feel like many of my other bad boy relationships: a bit stale. Don’t get me wrong, the orgasms were amazing, but I just felt like there could be… more.
It was Fen who showed me what thatmorecould be.
Fen was kind and considerate and the easiest to just be around, even if he had a world-ending beast lurking within him — something I tried not to think about too much.
We hung out and just talked and I learned about him and his odd extended family — all those sexy Norse Gods — and he learned all about my sordid past.
What was amazing was that he never asked anything of me, giving of himself instead. He especially loved giving me orgasms, his miracle tongue always sure to please. Yet, other times, we’d just kiss, making out for hours like teenagers.
But then things started to get complicated.
He was the first of the guys to say he wanted to be more than lovers and I didn’t know what to do with that. It was yet another thing I learned about myself: I’d never really loved a man, andreallove scared the fuck out of me.
Sex was fun and made me feel good, but anything deeper than that and I began to resist, push back. I was terrified of a real, loving relationship, scared I’d screw it up somehow.
So, I went to talk to Harmonia.
She sat behind her desk and nodded with a heavy sigh. “It’s a challenge for a lot of sex- aspected daemons. Other female daemons with the aspect of sex or fertility or passion, but not love itself, like Hedone, Lada, Tlazolteotl, and Zamani, all have a really good time but have had trouble settling down. There’s something about their aspect that wants to be with many people, not just one. It’s the same with men, Freyr, Jarilo, and Pothos, even Eros, have all had trouble finding just one mate. Not that they need to, but true affection seems hard for them to achieve.”
“That doesn’t really help me,” I grumbled, a little dejected. Then anger bubbled up within me and I rose, throwing my hands up in the air as I paced. “I don’t even know if I want love like that. But still! I feel like it should be possible at least. Shouldn’t it? Why am I so scared to love someone?”
“Do you love your daughters, your uncle?” Harmonia asked.
I stopped pacing. “Yeah, but they’re family, that’s different.”
“It is and it isn’t. The only real thing that separates romantic love from familial love is sexual desire. But then, there are a lot of people out there who love someone romantically, even when sex isn’t an option. Love is love. If you can love your family, you can love others. I think the main difference is choice. Love ’em or hate ’em, we didn’t get a choice in our families. When it comes to others wecanchoose to love them but that’s a distinct choice. And for some, that can be hard and scary.”
I nodded. That made sense. “You’re so wise.”
“It comes from thousands of years of living.”
“Yeah, right, sometimes I forget that.” I sighed and sat, a bit worn out. “So, what you’re saying is that I’m afraid tochooselove?”
“Because if you do and it doesn’t work out, then you’ve made a mistake. And mistakes where our heart is involved are painful. With family, if they don’t love you, well, it wasn’t your choice to be their family so it’s not your fault.” She smiled softly. “In some ways, that’s what makes adoptions so much more meaningful than birth. They’re parents whochoseyou,choseto love you.”
And that made me break down and cry because I knew my adoptive parents had loved me so much and I’d always been a wild child and a terror for them. I regretted so much of that now.
Harmonia came out and rubbed my back, using some of her power to soothe my pain until my tears dried up.
“Thank you,” I whispered, still sniffling, then I drew in a big breath and got up. “Thank you,” I repeated. “I think that helps. I have a lot to think about now.”
She smiled and embraced me gently. “I don’t think any of your men will rush you. Take your time to figure this out, to figure yourself out.”
I gave a halfhearted laugh. “Just another addition to the long list of things I need to figure out about myself.”
“It’s a lifelong journey, you’ll get there,” Harmonia said, as wise as ever.
That night, after my shift, Grey walked me out.
“What would you say…” He was a bit hesitant and tentative, which wasveryunlike him. “What would you say, if I wanted to move in with you?”
I stared at him, stunned.