Page 54 of In a Pickle
“Fuck,” said James. He knew he’d said too much. What was he doing, telling his deepest secrets to this girl he didn’t know?
Liana whistled. “Okay. Fuck. Aren’t you going away to college with her? Like, you’re about to move across the country to California with her?”
“Yeah. Shit. I mean, of course I want to see her again.”
“Okaaay.” She drew out the word. “Well, if you don’t mind my asking, why stay with her if you’re this unsure?”
James drew a deep breath. “I do want to go to college with her. I don’t know what I was thinking, implying I didn’t. I guess it’s the vodka making me say weird shit.” He raised his solo cup of water, still pretending it was vodka even though some part of him knew Liana wouldn’t judge him for being sober. “I love Mary Grace. I really do. And she’s really great. Just sometimes… I guess I want the opportunity to start over. I know that soundsso shitty. Like, people would kill for my life. I get it. I just feel like… ugh, I don’t even know how to say this.”
After a moment, she said softly, “You can tell me.”
“I feel like this life was chosen for me, down to the details. My dad chose tennis, my dad chose Stanford… fuck, I don’t even know if I chose Mary Grace. I feel like I got with her because it was inevitable, you know? Like, this is the kind of life I need to lead because everybody expects it of me. The kind of life I need to lead because everybody else would kill for it. And now, I keep living this life because it’s comfortable, but sometimes, I just want to strike a match and set my whole life on fire and then start over. Try to build something myself. Something I want, that nobody chose for me. Like I said, I know that sounds shitty.”
“It doesn’t sound shitty. It sounds like you feel trapped.”
“Don’t get me wrong.” He felt the need to backtrack, like he’d said too much. “Mary Grace is a really great girl. She’s beautiful, smart, funny. I care about her a lot. I love her.”
“It’s okay, dude. You don’t have to convince me. I don’t really know you, and I don’t really know her. Live your life.”
“Well, I’ve just spilled my guts to someone I don’t really know. Please, make me feel better about myself and tell me something about you. A secret.”
“Hey, that’s not how this works. You didn’t say we were playing truth or dare.”
“Please? I promise, I’m amazing at keeping secrets.” He drew a cross over his heart. “Cross my heart. I mean, I’m Jewish, so I guess crossing my heart doesn’t mean much, but I won’t tellanyone. We’ll just be two kind-of acquaintances who told each other a secret and then never saw each other again.”
She laughed. “Fine. Okay, I’m thinking.” After a second, she said, “I don’t know if I want to move away for college.”
He rolled his eyes. “I said to tell a secret. Literally everybody at this party is scared to move away for college except for the people staying in Miami.”
“Okay, okay.” She thought for a few more seconds, and then said, “I’ve never — I’m a virgin.” She immediately buried her head in her hands. “Fuck. I can’t believe I just told you that.”
He shrugged. “Hey, that’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
She rolled her eyes. “Well, that’s easy for you to say. You’re not in my situation.”
He laughed. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. But seriously, a lot of these poseurs wouldn’t admit it, but I bet half the people at this party haven’t had sex. Besides,” he couldn’t help adding, “you’ll soon have lots of college guys tripping over themselves to get with you. Talk to me in a year, when we come home next summer. I bet you won’t be a virgin if you don’t want to be.”
They both turned beet red at the same time, and James internally cursed. He probably shouldn’t have said that. “Sorry,” he said. “I swear I’m not implying anything.”
He was worried he’d screwed up the conversation, but she said, “It’ll be hard to talk to you next summer, seeing as you’ve just told me you never want to see me again.”
“Not you, specifically,” he hastened to correct, but her eyes danced with mirth, and he saw that she was joking. “Okay, okay, fine. We’ll never see each other again. I promise that even if werun into each other on the street, we will never ever speak of this conversation again.”
“Never?”
“Never. So with that in mind, any other secrets you feel like spilling?”
“Hm,” she said thoughtfully. “Let’s see. I’ve been told I’m really hard to get to know. I know that’s not a big secret, but people think that because I’m quiet and introverted, there must be some big personality waiting for me to reveal if only they could get to know me. But my secret is that I don’t think that’s true. I don’t think people find me interesting when they get to know me. I’m afraid I really don’t have a personality at all. I think I’m just a boring person.”
The words cut through James like a knife. How could she think that? “Nope,” James shook his head. “That doesn’t count as a secret because it’s not true.”
“How do you know?” she asked. “You barely know me.”
“Because I haven’t been bored for a second sitting with you.”
She smiled sadly. “Thanks. That’s nice of you to say.”
He shook his head more adamantly. How could he convince her that he was telling the truth? “I’m not just saying it. You’re not boring, I promise you. There’s nothing wrong with being an introvert. In fact, I kind of think I’m a secret introvert hiding in an extrovert’s body.”