Page 65 of Tasting Innocence
“Mom left on this day ten years ago.”
His body goes stiff and I sense his discomfort. He turns around and looks through the mail that was left on the counter. “Ten years, huh?”
“Yeah.”
We never talked about why she left. Initially Dad told me she went on vacation. After a month went by, I asked about her, and he sat me down and told me she wouldn’t be coming back. He said she needed time alone. Of course I had questions, but at the age of ten, I knew not to question my dad too often or he’d get upset.
“Dad, why did Mom leave in the first place?”
He runs his hand through his salt and pepper hair, his square jaw clenching and unclenching. “Does it really matter, Dex? She decided to run out on her family. We’re better off.”
“Are we?” I murmur.
He spins on me, his blue eyes narrowing. “What does that mean?”
I sigh, getting up from the couch. “We hardly have a relationship. Mom left and you basically did too. Physically you’re here, well, sometimes, but even then you might as well not be. You can’t act like you haven’t noticed.”
“Your mother left us,” he says, his voice rising an octave. “She left us Dex. Not just you.”
“I never said it was just me,” I reply calmly.
He huffs, stalking to the fridge. “Look, I had no idea how to be a parent. Your mother wanted kids. She wanted three. I told her I wasn’t ready. I admitted to never having thought about children. I have always been business oriented. I wanted to focus my attention on my company, but your mother complained of being alone and bored. It wasn’t like she didn’t have friends, but then those friends started having children.”
After staring into the fridge without getting anything, he slams it shut and faces me. I can see hurt and anger swirling in his eyes, and it’s not until this very moment that I realize I’ve never asked him how he felt about Mom leaving. I don’t know if I assumed it was a mutual agreement or if he was just okay with it, because he never showed emotion, but right now I’m thinking he was just as hurt as I was.
“She cried and begged for us to have one. Just one, she had said. She knew I didn’t grow up in some huge, loving family. My dad was strict and abusive, and my mom was meek and shrunk into my father’s shadow. I didn’t have the best role models.” My dad sighs, running a hand over his face. “I acquiesced, and she was thrilled. We had only been married a few years, but while I had doubts about having children, I never doubted my love for her. I knew we’d be together for the long haul.” He laughs humorlessly. “I guess I was wrong.”
“If she wanted kids so bad, why did she leave?” I question.
His eyes turn sad as he looks at me. “She was happy for a while, and she was a great mom, I won’t deny that. But I was always working. It’s not easy work to build what I have built. I thought she understood what I was doing. I was working for us, so we’d always be secure financially. She never had to worry about anything.” He shakes his head. “Well, anyway, she found someone else.”
My shock is audible as I gasp. “What?”
“She met some guy who she said was always there for her, and she fell in love with him.”
My head spins with this information. Mom had an affair? “Well, as fucked up as that is, why couldn’t she still be in my life?”
“Well, son, the man she met didn’t want kids. At least none that weren’t his. She decided she loved him enough to leave us both behind to start a new life.” When my face blanches, he walks toward me and clasps my shoulder. “I didn’t want to hurt you with the truth. I was never able to wrap my head around how she could want children so bad only to leave behind the one she had.”
“Did she have other kids?”
Dad moves to a stool at the eat-in bar in the kitchen. “A couple years after she left, she showed back up asking for more money. I’d already been paying her alimony, but she said her and this guy had ended things and she needed more money to get her own place and get on her feet. It ended up being a huge fight, because I told her I’d allow her to come back to stay with us, for your sake more than anything, but she told me she had a baby girl and didn’t want to merge the two families together.”
Red hot anger burns deep in my veins. “She chose her other kid over me? Instead of choosing to have us both?”
Dad shakes his head. “The father of that baby didn’t have money, and apparently turned out to be abusive, so she was running away. I gave her money, because as much as she broke my heart and yours, I didn’t want to see her and the baby hurt by this guy. She left town and I haven’t heard from her since.”
“I don’t even know what to say.”
“Look, son, I know I’m not winning any father of the year awards, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I’ll be honest and say I wasn’t around a whole lot while your mother was around. She was your primary caretaker and I never allowed us the time to create a bond. And I’m aware it’s still like that. I feel the distance between us, but I’ve never been one to talk about emotions or day-to-day things. My parents never asked me questions. I was only told what to do and expected to do just that. I guess I figured because you grew up better than I did, financially, you’d be happier than I was as a kid.”
“Yeah, I have everything I could ever want,” I tell him. “But I’d still prefer to be able to have a normal father/son relationship with you. I feel like we don’t know how to be around each other. This conversation is the longest one I can remember having with you in a long time. I’m not saying we need nightly dinners to talk about everything that happened that day, but it would be nice to know you cared about what I was doing.”
He sighs. “I do care, Dex. I know you’re passing all your classes. I know you’re an amazing quarterback on the football team. I know you have a ton of great friends. I may not ask you about those things, but I am aware. I know a couple of the professors at the school, and I’m always sure to check in.” He brings his hand up to rub his jaw. “Being affectionate doesn’t come easy to me. It was probably the abuse I endured growing up. I apologize for that.”
“Dad, I’m not looking for hugs and goodnight kisses anymore. I’d just appreciate a conversation from time-to-time. Ask me about football or class instead of my teachers. Tell me something about your day. I don’t even know what’s going on in your life either.”
He grins. “Like a friend?”