Page 130 of His Secret
I nod. “His concern is that you’re throwing everything away for me—the same guy from college. Theonlyguy you’ve ever been with. He doesn’t think you have enough experience to know for sure.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
When I don’t say anything right away, he stares at me.
“It’s ridiculous, Matías. You know that, right?”
“I’ve had years of experience, Adrian. I’ve had terrible experiences, great experiences, and mediocre ones. I’ve met different types of men. I’ve learned a lot about myself through each one of them. There’s been many lessons throughout time, and you’ve not had any.”
“Don’t,” he starts.
“I love that I’m your first. That I’ve been your only. Believe me when I say I want it to be that way forever. But?—”
He stands. “No. I’m not listening to this. Are you serious right now? Now you’re telling me that I need to go date and sleep around with more men? It’s the only way I’ll know I’m gay?”
“No, I’m not saying that. I know you’re gay. You know that, and you don’t have to have sex with anyone to know that. But…I don’t want to be presumptuous here.”
“What?”
“I want you, Adrian. I want more than what we have now. More than what we had then. Every time we’ve been together it’s been under a blanket of secrecy. Shrouded in lies and fear. I want to know what it’s like to be with you in a way I’ve only dreamed about. You do have a lot to figure out. If you decide to end your marriage, of course I want you to come to me. But I don’t want you to continue to feel like you’ve always felt—deprived. You’ll go from a marriage to a woman you never wanted to marry to a relationship with the only man you’ve ever been with. You don’t even know what’s out there.”
“I don’t give a shit about that,” he shouts. “You say I don’t have to have sex with a man to know I’m gay, but then you tell me I need to have multiple experiences to be sure that it’s you I want to be with? Is that what you’re saying, Matías? Honestly. That you could even give me the option to be with anyone else makes me wonder if we’re even on the same page, because I would never tell you to go be with someone else. I can’t even think about you being with someone else, and I’m pissed that you had so many experiences. I’m not grateful that you know yourself better because of them. I’m mad that they even had a tiny piece of you. That they knowwhat you feel like. What you taste like. Because I want you to myself.”
My heart thumps against my ribcage. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean?—”
“I’m gonna go,” he says, walking toward the door. “I can’t believe he went to you with threats. I can’t believe you both think I don’t know what it is I want.” He turns to look at me. “I’ve had eight years to think about it, Matías. You don’t think I know myself? I craved you for eight years. I’ve missed you, longed for you, and thought about nothing else but how I hurt you. How it was the worst thing I’ve ever done. Even now.
“Leaving you the way I did still remains my biggest regret. Seeing how hurt you were is seared into my brain. Because you…you were everything to me. And when I lost you, I lost a part of myself.”
I open my mouth, but the words don’t come out. I have too much to say and no idea where to begin. I stare at him, absorbing what he said, and I only get his name out before he’s marching out the door.
The Past
CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE
ADRIAN
I seehim watching me when I’m with my friends. I see him when I’m pretending I’m into some girl because my friends say we’d be good together.
It hurts, but I need him to hate me. I need him to not want a future with me, because my father won’t allow it. I don’t want him to lose out on any internships or job opportunities because my father’s being spiteful.
Matías is perfect. He’s kind and smart. He’s honest and funny. His heart is warm and full of love, and he’ll be okay. He’ll find someone who can give him what I wish I could. But he can’t think there’s a chance for us. Otherwise he might wait forever. He’s that loyal.
I bump into him one day and pretend I didn’t know it was him. I acted like I was too much in a rush to even see his face, but I’m always aware of his presence. I feel him the moment he comes into my radius.
Seeing the hurt on his face when he saw me with my arm around a girl whose name I don’t even remember made my heart split down the middle. There are many nights that I cry under my blankets, wondering what the hell I’m doing.
Without him, I laugh less. I miss who I was when I had him, and I hurt myself by hurting him. I’m now depriving us both of what brought us happiness. But I have to believe it’s for the best. I have to believe he’ll move on and be happy. If it can only be one of us, it has to be him.
I’ll never find another Matías. Nobody will make me feel the way he did. He became my best friend. The romantic part was icing on the cake.
I will always love him, but staying with him will hurt him in the end, because I have nothing to offer. Just more secrecy. More lies.
He doesn’t know it now, but maybe one day he’ll understand that by doing this, he’s getting the chance to live open and free in a way he could never have with me.
Present Day
CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR