Page 29 of Lessons In Grey

I inhaled a trembling breath, tears slipping down my cheeks, my heart racing. His touch was warm, gentle, caressing.

“Snowflake, open your eyes.”

I didn’t have a choice, did I? He was going to stay here, in my space, until I did.

I swallowed and forced them open, forced them to meet his.

His eyes looked so sad. As if he had seen such horrible and terrible things. As if he wanted nothing more than to not be saying what he was saying.

“I’m using her,” he repeated, his body language shifting to something less intense, something warmer, softer. He slid his hand up the left side of my face, searching my eyes, his touch so unbelievably comforting.

I couldn’t remember the last time I had been touched like this. Like I meant something. Like I was seen. Like I wasmore.

I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t handle himseeingme. I pulled my face away and pushed him back, shocked that he actually took several steps away from me.

I turned from him and opened the door, my mind buzzing, my hands shaking, nothing making sense. “Leave me alone,” I demanded and left without looking back.

~~~

September 21st, 2021

“Rachel said you haven’t been answering her calls after hanging up on her last Thursday.”

I froze, food halfway to my mouth, my heart skipping.

Jordan’s eyes immediately started searing into my skin, my appetite gone. An appetite I had worked so hard to find.

“She’s worried about you, Emily. Your silence has her thinking the worst.”

I swallowed, lowering my fork. “She must be mistaken, I haven’t gotten any calls,” I lied, my heart racing. No. No, this couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be happening. I was having a good week. Jordan’s punishments had eased, I had gotten some decent sleep, Rags had still come to the East Wing, but he sat in silence, only trying to speak to me through his lessons, which had honestly been quite intriguing these last three days of classes.

I told my dad not to bring this up in front of the family. I had begged him. Five days of working to get out of my head, and he had just stolen that from me.

“Who is Rachel?” Helen asked, giving me a kind, loving smile.

“My gyno,” I said quickly, my dad’s eyes furrowing.

Helen’s eyes widened, shock twisting her features. “Harold,” she lectured, “a woman needs privacy, and she certainly doesn’t need her father involved in her appointments, especially at this age. She is an adult, and you should not be bringing this up over the dinner table.”

He looked from her to me, his gaze dead. “My apologies. We were worried.”

And that was it. It was over for him.

But it wasn’t over for me. Not in the slightest.

I gave them both a pressed smile and pushed my plate back, my chest tightening, my heart thudding against my ribs. “I’m not feeling to well all of a sudden, please excuse me. Thank you for dinner, Helen, it was amazing.” I had exactly four bites.

She looked sympathetic towards me. “You’re welcome, Emily.”

I took a scalding shower, bandaging my arm when I got out. The bruise around my wrist was slowly turning yellow, but I had broken again with a blade, giving myself a few more lines, thecracks in my soul getting deeper, longer, wider.

I thought about Rags. About the way he would catch my gaze in class, about the relief I felt every single time he did. I thought about the way I inadvertently stole glances in the East Wing right before I fell asleep, and how I felt safe enough to fall asleep with him near me in an empty school hallway, yet I was terrified of closing my eyes here.

I was trying so hard to convince myself that I didn’t want him there, but fuck, the truth was right in front of me, wasn’t it? And I hated that more than I hated this new habit. This horrible, relieving, shameful, joyous habit.

With a breath, my body deflated. I pulled on a hoodie and sank into my desk chair. I had homework I needed to get done, and Finals would be coming up before Christmas Break. I needed to get on making study guides for those. Maybe if I could just drown in my work, my mind would stop drowning in itself.

~~~