Page 43 of Lessons In Grey
“Charlie,” I said on an exhale. A bubble bath of warmth, that’s what it felt like. The tiles seemed to be enveloping me, surrounding me on all sides, consuming me like a hot bubble bath on a cold day.
“Yes, tell me about her. You haven’t spoken about her yet. I want to know about her. What was her favorite color? Her favorite thing to do? Her favorite drink?”
That was easy. “Red,” I mumbled, the world shifting in color all around me. “She really liked the color red, she said it reminded her of us, but she wouldn’t tell me why.” The cat’s fur started to shift from black to red as it slept. She looked back, watching it shift, her tail puffing in fear as it had in the cartoons I used to watch when I had been a kid.It’s okay,I wanted to tell her.Things change, you have to get used to it or you’ll drown like me.
“Red is a beautiful color, Snowflake. What about her favoritething to do?”
“Go to the park,” I answered.
“Why?”
I released a breath, slightly irritated that he wanted me to elaborate. “Because she liked to see people in their happiest moments. It reminded her of what the world could be.”
“Not everyone is happy at the park.”
I swallowed, pulling my arm closer. “She said that’s why she always had a feeling to get there. She said it was our job to make them happy. That I could make them happy.” I opened my eyes when my fingers slid through something cold and wet.
I lifted my hand, watching the crimson blood fall from my fingertips, wrapping around my fingers, taking on a life of its own. There had to be a metaphor for that. “We have the same blood-type,” I whispered weakly, letting my hand fall. “She had this stupid theory that if we ever lost each other, our blood would change colors. God, she was crazy, but she said that if we were apart and the blood was red, she would know I was safe.”
I stared at the blood on the ground, slowly seeping towards the cabinets, the cat sleeping again, the blood slithering around like baby snakes searching out their next victim. I prayed they wouldn’t go after the cat. “She was wrong. It’s still red and I know she’s dead. She haunts me every second of every day. She won’t fucking stop.”
I heard him sit up abruptly, the world shifting around me like slime now. I was surrounded by slime, the hug turning cold. “Emily, what did you do?”
My eyes fell to my left arm, my head pressed into the tiles. The blood had nearly stopped flowing. Why did I do it? To feel something? To feel nothing? To get rid of the pain in my head or to just make it make sense? Or maybe it was simpler than that. Maybe I did it just because, “I wanted to.”
He jumped up from his bed. “For the love of God, tell me what you did,” he demanded, desperation mixing with anger in his voice. “What the fuck did you do?”
I blinked heavily. “It already stopped,” I mumbled, my skin warming, my hands and toes so cold, goosebumps danced across my skin. “At least I think it has. The pills are making it move.”
“What pills?” he said through his teeth.
“You saw them,” I replied, watching the blood drift over my fingers. “You always watch me. People in class have seen, they had to.”
“Fuck, Emily, what were they? You know what they were, you saw something on them. What did you see?”
I blinked slowly. “I’m not crazy. He said I was crazy, but I can’t be. I’m not.”
“Crazy?” he breathed. “Emily, you’re not crazy, it’s a mental illness, it’s fucking real! Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not real. Listen to me, I can make you feel something. I can make you feeleverything, I swear to fucking God, but you have to trust me. Did you take anything else with them?”
I couldn’t even tell if I was crying anymore. If I was breathing. “You have no idea what this is like.”
“Fuck!” he snarled. “I know what it’s like to have a monster under your skin that you can’t control. I know what it’s like to be afraid of your own mind. I can help you, just tell me what you took!”
“How?”
I heard something shatter in the background. “Call me. Text me. Every time it hurts too much, any time you feel like you can’t breathe, call me. I will answer every time, I will touch you in ways you have never been touched before. I will make you forget everything. I will be your drug, your alcohol, your vice and you will be mine.”
I forced my eyes open, looking at my phone. “I could see Charlie and mom again. Nobody would miss me.”
“Iwould miss you. Ash would miss you, she would never get over your loss, Emily. I would never move on.”
I felt something cold in my hand, pulling my gaze over. Theblade was in my hand again. I didn’t remember picking it up. “I’d finally have rest.”
“It’s the wrong fucking rest!” he all but shouted. “Forget about me going on a murderous fucking rampage if you left, forget about Ash dropping out of school and disappearing from the world, just listen to me. Listen. It was a terrible hand, but the dealer isn’t done with the game, just the round. Don’t kill yourself, Emily. Please, don’t take yourself away from me.”
I swallowed, staring at that blade as it caught the light. I didn’t think I had been trying, but I wanted to know why. I wanted to know why it was so important to him that I stayed within this sad little world. “Why?”
What I hadn’t expected was what he said next, and I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe this had happened to him before, and if it had, who had he lost? And I wondered how long he had needed to say this out loud for it to make sense in his head.