Page 44 of Lessons In Grey

“Don’t kill yourself because it’s nearly Fall, and the roses won’t bloom until Spring. Don’t kill yourself because there is half a cheesecake in the fridge and you’re the only one who loves it. Don’t kill yourself because I know for a fact that your favorite café is introducing the Christmas specials soon and I know how much you love the peppermint mochas.

“Yes, Ash will miss you, and yes, Remi will make up some sappy Facebook post about what a wonderful person you were. Yes, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but you know that. You’ve always known that. Anyone and everyone has been shoving that down your throat since you first learned what that word meant.

“Those slogans and videos may have lost their meaning, but anything that keeps you alive is worthfucking saying!So don’t kill yourself until you finish your shampoo and conditioner at the same time. Don’t kill yourself untilDoctor Whois finally cancelled. Don’t kill yourself until the world understands your stance on why Draco was so fucking misunderstood.

“Don’t kill yourself because I will keep coming up with reasons why you shouldn’t, and I need you to hear all of them. Don’t kill yourself because I have yet to learn everything in that beautiful head of yours. You are important to me. It’s been a bad run, but that doesn’t mean it will always be like this. There is so much more to this, I promise, and I can prove that to you.

“The world will keep spinning on its axis without you but think of all the sunrises you’ll miss. Think of all the tears you’ll never get to shed. Think of all of the music you’ll never get to write or hear or fucking dance too in the middle of the pouring rain. Think of the Christmases you’ll miss, all of those terrible Hallmark movies you’ll never get to sit through. Think of all of the roses you’ll never get to hold. Think of all the regenerations you’ll never experience.

“I know this all sounds so pointless. When you’re sitting in front of everything deadly you own and revising your goodbyes there will be too much darkness to see anything else, but this is not about seeing anything else, this is about turning off the fucking lights! This is about finding the bed instead of the noose.

“This is about giving yourself just one more day, please,” he pleaded, tears clinging to his words as they continued to etch themselves across my skin. “Even if it takes 10,000 more ‘one more morning’s’ before you get to the ‘I can’t wait until tomorrow’. Christmas is right around the corner, Emily, and I’ve seen the way your eyes light up at even the mention of it, despite what happened. This is about staying alive because the future is coming, and it is ready for you. I don’t need you to see it, I really don’t, I just need you to believe that until you make it. You are important to me. You are worthwhile to me. You areeverythingto me.”

I inhaled sharply, the tears mixing with the drying blood. He had needed that. Whoever had taken themselves away from him and burned those unsaid words into his skin, and I couldn’t help but wonder how long the burns had been open wounds, waitingto be healed. Healed by me, I suppose. Healed by this moment of opportunity. “That was a good speech, Professor, but I’ve heard it all before. All of it.” I hadn’t. I had never heard it before, and never coming from someone as desperately as it was coming from him.

He was panting, things crashing and shattering in the background.

“I haven’t told you about my favorite song yet,” he said, his voice feral. “You knownothingabout me. Don’t you want to know about my real job? The job that brought me here? Don’t you want to know about my father and what he really does for this world? I haven’t given you the names of my brothers and sisters, my Uncle. I’ve yet to introduce you to my annoying,irritatingbest friend who will hit on you, try to fuck you, but is honestly the best soul I have ever met in this world.

“I haven’t told you about the people I’ve killed, the ones I’ve spared, the ones that haunt me to this very day. I haven’t told you what got me through the nights I never thought I would get through or what happened to my biological mom after my dad shot himself in the head.”

Oh. He had lost his real father, and the man he spoke about, that must have been the man who adopted him after that.

“Vice versa, I want to know your favorite song. I want to know about the best song you and your sister ever wrote. I want to know about the Christmas that happened when you were 16. I want to know everything. We have so many stories left to share, so many left to write. I know you haven’t slept in days, I know how exhausted you are and how the temptations of death won’t release you, but I swear on everything I am, I swear that I can show you a world wrought in strength, power, death, and nightmares. I can show you just how strong you are. Just please,please, give me one more morning. Let me teach you, Snowflake. Let me show you how to use that dark and fucked up mind of yours as a weapon against people not against yourself.”

I covered my face with my hand, my entire body shaking withquiet sobs. All I wanted was to sleep.

All I wanted was for Jordan to stop playing his game and just fucking kill me already. I didn’t want to keep doing this. I couldn’t.

“I can still hear you,” he said, the rage shaking through his words. “Listen to me. You’re staying. That isn’t a request. You’re staying because Charlie doesn’t want to see you yet. You’re going to stay because Ash has a date tattooed on her arm of the day you two met and you don’t want her getting a tattoo on her arm of the day she lost you.”

She what?

“You’re going to stay because, despite the way you act, I know how badly you want to meet the fucking cat. You’re going to stay because we will rewatch 11th’s reign together. You’re going to stay because I haven’t claimed you as mine yet, and I’ve been dying to since the moment I saw you outside of that gas station, shrouded in mystery and impossibilities.”

I inhaled sharply, the fog getting thicker. “She would have lived a much better life than me. She could have changed the world.”

“I choose you, Emily.”

“I don’t choose you,” I replied quietly, sleep slowly swimming around me, suffocating me.

“You don’t get a fucking choice in that now.”

I stared at the phone, watching it carefully, not a single thought echoing through my mind save for one. I wondered if I’d remember this tomorrow.

“Fine,” I muttered, my voice thick, speech slurred.

A sigh of relief sounded through the phone. “You need to tell me what pills you t—”

I hung up, sleep overtakingme.

12

Rags

October 9th, 2021

Fuck!