Page 6 of Lessons In Grey

I wasn’t truly excited about getting a replacement. Mr. Rodriguez and I had had an understanding of life and words. He had helped me discover things about myself that I had long since buried.

July 6th, he had died. Almost exactly seven months after mom and Charlie had left.

I knew for a fact that there was some sort of metaphor in that, some line or paragraph of lines that explained why that made sense, why it was fair, but God, I was so tired of waiting for those answers.

I didn’t want to be patient anymore.

Writing was the only thing that got me through this world. Since the moment I could hold a crayon, I had been writing to escape. Writing poems, lyrics, short stories, anything. Literally anything. I had filled books with nonsense just to get the words out of my head.

I called this year, The Year I Lost.

2021 was the rotted root of a dying rose.

“God, I was hoping I could see him before I had to leave,” Remi sighed, glancing at her phone.

Katelyn was the only one actually in this class during this hour.

Remi, Cam, and Ash had it later in the afternoon, but like I said, habits.

I pulled out my notebook and turned to a song I had been working on for the last week or so. I guess it wasn’t really a song yet, just words on a page, some rhyming. The music always came to me last.

If God exists then why did he take the soul from my bones?

If God exists, then why can his Son rise from the dead and not the ones we love?

He preaches and preaches and preaches about love, but what is love if not the reason we breathe?

My reason to breathe is long gone.

So why am I here still holding on?

Three days, the Son rose, but my heart remains in a grave 3 years today.

Hmm.

I tapped my pen three times. She had died December 3rd, 2020. 23 days after our 23rdbirthday.

Lot of threes. I felt like somebody had to be mocking me with that one.

“Fuck,” Remi moaned far too loud. “Well, I gotta go. Katelyn, snap me a pic. Daddy says he’s gorg.”

I’m sure Trent used exactly that word too.

“Sure thing, sis.”

I gave Ash a pressed smile and a small wave when they left before turning back to my work.

“What are you working on?” Katelyn asked as she took the seat next to mine.

“Extra credit,” I lied, sliding a hand over my page. I didn’t like sharing. Not in the slightest.

She sneered. “Seriously? It’s literally the first day of classes.”

I gave her a pressed smile. “And I strive for A’s.” Which was true. Getting a good grade was all I had left in this world. I couldn’t lose it for anything.

She rolled her eyes and pulled out her phone. “You need to have more fun, Em. Your life is tragic.”

She meant that in a rhetorical way, but even so, I suppose she wasn’t completely wrong.