Page 57 of Easton
“They won’t think that. They’ll love you.”
“How can that be true? They know all the shit I’ve done. It’s not a secret in Birchbark that I’m a fuckup.”
“You’re not.” I turn my chair, then pull his closer so he’s between my spread legs. “You’re not,” I reiterate. “And I know you don’t want to talk about it, and I know you might not be ready, but I want to be with you, East. For real and officially. I want everyone to know you’re mine.” I want East. I care about him.
He closes his eyes, takes a moment to himself.
“Let me in. Let me know what’s going on in that head of yours.”
“Would you still want to be with me if you knew I talk to my dead sister? That I hear her voice in my head? That most of the good shit I do is because she tells me to?”
My heart drops. This…could be big. I have no idea what it means, but the thought of hallucinations scares me. So many things make sense now—how he was talking to himself in the woods, the way he gets lost in his head. Is he having full-on conversations with her? “Do you see her?”
He rolls his eyes. “I’m not hallucinating, if that’s what you’re thinking. I know she’s dead. I know she’s not really there. I just…need her. And I know that’s fucked up, but I can’t figure out how to be without her. She’s all I have.”
This time, my heart breaks, just shatters into a million damn pieces, East’s name on every shard. “I can’t take her place, East, but you have me.” Who knows if that’s the right thing to say. What are you supposed to do when you find out a person talks to someone who isn’t there? I worry I’m in over my head, afraid that I’m going to do something wrong and East will suffer. But I can’t walk away either, and I don’t want to. “You have me, and I’m not going anywhere. Come to my parents’ house with me. I want you there.” I emphasize the last part so he knows that what he said doesn’t change anything for me. “They’ll want you there too.”
He sighs but nods in agreement. “Tell them we’re friends.”
I try not to let my disappointment show. “Okay. We can do that. Now come on. We can finish this later. I want to take you to bed.”
We let the dogs out again before heading upstairs. I fuck East, then push my fingers inside him, loving the feel of his cummy hole.
For the first time, he falls asleep before I do. I ease my fingers out of him, sneak into the bathroom, and wash my hands.
I don’t get any sleep, just lie in bed and watch him, knowing I’m in love with him. I was fooling myself to think this wouldn’t happen, never would have gone to talk to Cora about him if I wasn’t already falling. And my sister’s right: if work has an issue with it, would I really let that hold me back from someone I love? A job can’t hold me at night.
Still, I can’t help wondering if I’m enough for him, or if somehow, I’m going to hurt him even more than he already is.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Easton
It’s been afew days since I agreed to go to Archer’s parents’ house with him. He’s been coming to my place every day after work and sleeping over. He fucks me and fingers me and…talks to me. Makes me laugh. Plays with my dogs. Does puzzles with me. I keep watching him, looking at him for signs that he wishes he were somewhere else or that he’s getting tired of me, that he thinks something is wrong with me because of what I told him about El. Signs that he wishes he hadn’t asked me to hang out with his family. But no matter how hard I watch him, I don’t see any.
I can’t figure out why. And Ella’s been quiet lately—and yes, I’m aware that her voice is my voice, but it’s troubling me nonetheless. She’s been my conscience for so long, and this time, she didn’t have to talk me into agreeing to go with Archer. I’m not sure how to feel about that because I need to need her.
“You’ve been quiet lately,” Dusty says, echoing my thoughts about Ella, as we work on a smashed-up Explorer.
“Why are you acting like that’s something new?”
He snickers, and I think again about how lucky us Swift brothers are to have him. He’s so easygoing, and really, has been the only positive constant in our lives, despite the few hiccups.
“Good point. I guess what I mean is, something is different. It seems like your mind is heavy, and I just want to emphasize that I’m here if you need to talk. I’m pretty good at that.”
Reflexively, I want to shut him down, to just talk to El instead or to keep it in, but sometimes holding it in is so fuckingexhausting. I don’t talk to anyone, not really. I don’t even talk to Archer the way I should. Telling him about Ella is one of the only things I’ve admitted.
I don’t look at Dusty, finding the SUV very interesting as I speak. “I’m going to Archer’s parents’ house with him this weekend.”
“That’s a good thing, East. You’ll have fun. They’re great people.”
I nod. That’s not what has me all worked up, though. I don’t doubt them. I doubt me. “What if they think I’m not good enough to be Archer’s…friend.” Jesus. I can’t believe I said that. I sound like a damn kid. But at twenty-seven, this is something I’ve never done.
“They won’t think that. I know it.”
“That’s what Archer said.” I sigh, wring my hands. My insides are jittery and have been for days. But that’s how I know this moment is big too, me talking to Dusty this way. “This stuff is so fucking hard. Why am I trying to do it all of a sudden?”
He comes over and puts his hand on my shoulder. “I think that’s happening for a lot of reasons. You like Archer, and he likes you. This is a good step. You deserve a whole lot more happiness than you’ve ever allowed yourself to have. Maybe you’re starting to see that.”