Page 65 of Easton

The boat is tipped over, and in that second, my heart breaks. Stops beating, and I know, feel the loss of myself as it happens, as I break apart, all the important parts of me drifting away onto the wind.

“Ella!” I scream and run toward the water, just as Morgan comes bolting out of the house.

“Easton! What’s wrong? Where’s Ella?”

Gone. She’s gone.

I’m gone.

Who am I without her?

“Ella! No!” I run and jump into the water, black all around me as I try to find her.Ella! Where are you? Please don’t go! Not without me!I say over and over in my head.

There’s a splash, and I know it’s Morgan. He tries to grab me, but I fight him off, my brother pulling me to the surface.

“Stop fighting me!” he shouts.

“Ella! Ella! Ella!” I try and jerk out of Morgan’s hold, try to get away from him and find her.

There is no me without her. Where is she? Who am I?

What have I done?

“Stop. I’ll get her, East. I promise you, I’ll get her.”

And then…nothing. It’s like everything inside me shuts off. Somehow, I’m on the dock. I don’t know how Morgan did that.

Flash.

She’s there, lying on the dock. Not breathing. Not speaking.

I wrap my arms around her. “Ella! Wake up. Don’t go. Please don’t go. Not without me.”

Morgan pushes me out of the way and does chest compressions. “Go call 911!”

I can’t move. Can’t leave her.

“Easton! Go now!”

I run into the house, tears streaming down my face, soul gone. I call, then go back to Ella. Morgan is still trying to get her heart to start, trying to help her breathe while he’s crying.

It doesn’t work. The EMTs try to take her, but I cling to her, whispering in my head over and over that I’ll never, ever let her go. They try to ask me questions, but I can’t speak. A nice woman tries to hug me, tells me it will be okay, but it will never be okay again.

I’ll never let her go, I vow silently to myself.

“East! Wake up. Sweetheart, you’re having a nightmare.”

My eyes jerk open. My face is wet, chest heaving, stomach clenched so tight it hurts….and Archer is there, panic and worry and…he’d told me earlier he loved me. I should have said it back. I should have acknowledged it, but I was scared. He’s here, always here, clinging to me, afraid for me, there for me.

And all I can do is burst into tears. He pulls me into his arms, lies back with me tucked into his embrace. “It’s okay. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, East. I’ve got you. I’ve always got you.”

I hold on to him too, grab him and don’t want to let go, the same way I hadn’t with Ella that day. He’s the first person since her I’ve held and known that I can’t let go of.

“I’m here. I love you. I’ve got you.”

He talks to me while I cry, while without words I spill a lifetime of pain onto his chest with my tears. Time passes. Maybe thirty minutes or thirty hours, but Archer doesn’t ever loosen his hold, doesn’t ever stop showing me he’s there for me, until eventually there’s no more tears left in me.

“It was my fault. Ella…it was my fault she died.”