Page 106 of Mad Love

Claire and Jessie get mad if they don’t meet a guy when we go out and I still go home with someone, so I’ve started to go out without them. It’s become a thing I enjoy doing by myself. Sadie’s not into one-night stands, and I’ve realized it’s more exciting anyway when I go out by myself and find someone. I love the thrill of it. The slight danger. The freedom in knowing I won’t ever see that person again. Everything about it gets me off. It’s a little something I keep to myself because I know I’d be judged for it. Guys do it all the time and it’s accepted. Why should women always be held to a different standard?

I’ve done my homework and learned about a bar the Mustangs frequent often, and that will be where I go next. Maybe in a month or two. I’ve been working up my nerve to build up to this one. I want Weston Shaw. He’s one of the ultimate unattainables, as I like to call them. The men who have reached an insane level of success and could have anyone. The other athletes I’ve had sex with haven’t been in Weston Shaw’s league. And most of them are older than Weston. He’s only a few years older than I am.

If I play it right, I can use that to my advantage.

I exhale and close the book, holding my finger in place and torn about whether I can keep going.

I don’t like this, but I can’t stop.

And when I turn the page, my heart pounds faster when I realize it’s the entry I’ve been dreading.

I haven’t written in a while. I got sick for a few weeks. Feels like I’ve been on antibiotics forever…I’m still on them actually, but I’m feeling much better. The doctor just wants me on them for another couple of days, more as an extra precautionary measure than a necessity.

I am DYING TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. My parents have been at our apartment a ton, and Sadie has been hovering over me nonstop. I can’t wait to go out this week after the Mustangs game. I hope Weston will be there. I went once last month and he wasn’t, so we’ll see. The timing, if he is there, will be perfect because I’m so desperate to have a night out, I don’t think I’ll even have a problem with nerves at all.

Maybe by the next time I write, I will have had an amazing night with THE Weston Shaw. The next one on the list is Zac Ledger, but he’s married, so I’ll have to catch him when he’s playing in Denver, away from his wife.Weston will be the perfect practice.

I put my head in my hands, mortified that my sister would evenconsidergoing after Zac Ledger. Oh God, I can’t imagine if she’d tried anything with Zac, and then I find out that his wife, who’s amazing, decorated this house. From what I’ve heard about Zac, nothing my sister tried would’ve worked on him. He loves his wife so much. And I’ve got to hope that when it came down to it, Sasha wouldn’t have gone there, but everything else has been surprisingly strategic.

She mentioned the termultimate unattainablesto me, but I didn’t know it was an actual checklist she was trying to check off.

I’m scared to turn the page, but I do it.

I did it! I slept with Weston Shaw!!! I went in knowing as many stats as I could about him, and he thought that was funny. He bought a few rounds of drinks for me and a few others at the bar, and we danced for a while. When I thought he might be losing interest, I put my arms around his neck and swiveled my hips against him, nice and slow, and then said, “Why don’t we go someplace a little more private and I can make you feel a lot better than this…” I’m sad to say he hesitated, but when I did my sad eyes and a slight pout, he said, “Sure, why not.”

It was pretty dark in the hotel room, but I could tell the guy has an amazing body. And he knows what he’s doing in bed, but I’d hoped we’d do it more than once, and that didn’t happen. He fell asleep afterward, and the next morning, he was polite, but didn’t want to linger. I started to ride him after I woke up, but he rolled me off of him and said he was too tired.

My favorite part of it all might have been when he said bye. His eyes met mine, and he just smiled at me and said, “You take care, okay?”

I thought that was really sweet.

The way she’s talking about this is nothing like the swooning she did after the fact. I don’t know if she built it up in her mind the more time that passed, or if she was just expounding on it for my benefit.

Caleb wakes up, and I have to work at not just going through the motions as I fix him a bottle and feed him a little snack. My mind is on the journal and what really happened when she found out she was pregnant. A couple hours later when I put Caleb down for another nap, I hurry to grab it and keep reading.

I skim over a few sections that are more mundane and then I get to it. The words,I can’t believe it—I’m pregnantstanding out to me even though they’re written the same as everything else.

Now I know why I’ve been so exhausted. It’s not because I’m still sick. I can’t believe it—I’m pregnant. And there’s only one possible father—Weston. What am I going to do with a baby?

It’s a few weeks before she posts again.

I’ve been so sick. Haven’t felt like doing much of anything, but I’m making peace with the thought of having a baby. I want to have it. No idea whether I will be a good mom or not, but it seems miraculous that I’m pregnant, right? I have no idea how this even happened. He used a condom, and well…I’ve never been great at taking the pill regularly, but the antibiotics must have really made it not work. But also…I wasn’t supposed to have a baby. I figure if I can carry this baby to term, it’ll be a miracle baby, and I might suck at being a mom, but I have enough people in my life who will love it.

I told Sadie. I think she’s in shock. She really wants me to tell Weston, but the more I think about it, the more I think he’d just take the baby away from me. My health isn’t the best, my apartment with Sadie is a dump, and I don’t have the best track record with jobs. His parents are lawyers and they could get Weston custody in a heartbeat.

I skim over the next few passages that are more of the same, and then it’s months later when she writes again.

The baby kicks nonstop. He’s probably going to be athletic like his dad. I found out it’s a boy a few months ago, and I like the thought of bringing another little Weston Shaw into the world. I’m as big as a house. Sadie’s been after me to tell Weston from the beginning, and I finally got serious about it today.

I’ve known where he lives for a while, and I went and parked a few houses down. He lives in a big, pretty house, but it’s not in the most exclusive section of Silver Hills. That kind of surprised me.

It took time, but I finally got the nerve and went up to his door and rang the doorbell.

A woman answered. She was beautiful. Light brown hair and big eyes, a little taller than me, a few years older than me too, and wearing flawless designer clothes. She looked me up and down, and I felt like she could rip me to shreds with just a few more seconds of these looks.

Finally, she said, “This is really pathetic, you know.”

When I didn’t say anything, she shut the door in my face.