Page 132 of Not Until Her
I scratch at my jaw, hating that I’m getting frustrated with her right now. I just wasn’t ready for this. I wish she could come back tomorrow or the next day and worry about me.
“I had the vacation time.”
“What the fuck is that?”
I look down quickly, nervous there’s a bug on something. I start swatting without seeing anything.
“What?” I’m a little frantic. “What iswhat?”
She stops me by grabbing my hand.
My heart ceases to beat when the realization hits me.
“Why is there a ring on this finger?” Her voice is deathly calm. I don’t know what emotion is fueling it, but it’s big.Thisis big, and I am terrified.
“Um… It is…” I hate my brain for failing to fill in the blank. I don’t want to lie, but I really don’t want to tell the truth. Not yet.
Her head snaps up, and my reaction time to the responsible sound is much more delayed.
My bedroom door opens.
Autumn can’t see it from where she stands, but I can when I turn my head. Kara is frozen in place, realizing I’ve got someone standing at the front door. It’s too late. It’s clear that I’m not alone, and when you combine that fact with the ring on my hand…
Why didn’t I think to take it off?
“I don’t like this.” Autumn takes a step back, dropping my hand, and my heart sinks. “I’m not going to beg you to tell me what’s going on, but if that—“she points to my hand again—“is what I think it is…” There’s no end to the sentence, because I know. I know how fucked up it is, and how much it’s got to hurt her that I’d keep it to myself.
I hear shuffling to my right, and turn to see Kara making her way over. I can’t shake my head fast enough, but it doesn’t matter. The gesture exposes me enough, there’s no doubt I want to be keeping something from Autumn when I make it. Kara doesn’t see me anyway, keeping her eyes down until she’s standing next to me.
Until she’srightnext to me in the doorway. Right where Autumn can see her. She’s not even wearing pants, just one of my big shirts.
My friend’s face looks so pained as her hand flies up to cover her mouth.
She takes a step backwards, and I take one forward.
“Can we just talk about—”
“This is some joke, right?” I hear the emotion in her words, and I watch as her eyes start to shine. “What the hell, Rey? What did I do to deserve this?”
I was ready to apologize profusely, but the last sentence stops me. What did she do to deserve this? As if the choices I’ve made on behalf of my own emotions, my own happiness, are an attack on her?
I must be misunderstanding, because she’s never been that selfish.
“Are you serious?” Kara asks, and I know it’s only going to make this worse. Autumn doesn’t want to hear from her right now. What needs to happen is for the two of us to come back together another day and talk about all of this.
It’s a lot, and I fucked up, and I’m willing to admit it.
“I’m so serious. I can’t believe you.” She looks at me the entire time, acting as if Kara hadn’t said a word.
She sounds so wounded, that it tears me up inside. I instinctively want to comfort her, but I can’t believe she’s acting like my relationship is something beingdoneto her.
I gape.
“Come on, Autumn. This isn’t about you. Kara makes me happy. We love each other, and–”
“Stop. Please.”
It’s like I’m watching her heart break further and further, but that’s how I feel. I’m not going to act like I’m guilty for being thisdisgustingly, happily in love. She’ll get over it if she would take a second to see it for what it is.