Page 98 of Not Until Her
What the fuck?
“Reya, please. I know you’re in there.”
“What the fuck,” I whisper. “Kara?” My voice is a desperate plea, needing this to be real.
“Yeah. Hi.”
I don’t want her voice to be muffled, but for some reason I just can’t move. This must be what it’s like to be in shock.
“Am I imagining this right now?”
“Maybe I’m the one imagining it,” she answers. “Hard to say unless you open the door.”
“I don’t… What are you doing?”
“I don’t know. I’m not thinking straight.” Her voice cracks mid sentence, and my eyes fill with tears as if hers are contagious. “I just need you, sunshine.”
I shake my head to myself, allowing some logical thought to break through the pain.
“You can’t do this. It’s not fair.”
“I know it’s not,” is all she says.
“If I open that door, you’re just going to fuck me up all over again.”
“You might be overestimating my strength there.”
“How can I? You were strong enough to walk away from me, and you’ve held out this long.”
“I’m a fucking idiot,” she whispers. “I want a time machine.”
“To stop yourself from ever moving in next to me?” I ask.
To prevent everything that’s happened between us from happening.
I don’t have it in me to wish the same.
“No, fuck that. Meeting you is hands down the best thing that has ever happened to me. Ever,” she emphasizes. The words make my stomach flip, and I am in agony over how much I want them to be true.
But if that were the truth, this wouldn't be where we’ve ended up, right? There’s no way she would’ve done this to me.
“You might be the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.” I say the words so softly that she doesn’t hear them. I’m not looking to hurt her, despite it all.
“Please open the door.”
That sentence triggers something in me that causes words to fall out of my mouth like fire from a dragon.
“That sounds really familiar, babe. How many times have I asked that of you, just to get a big fat nothing done about it? Am I supposed to just give you everything I’ve got, and be okay with getting nothing in return?” I shake my head, willing my voice to stay steady through the torrent of my extreme emotions. “I can’t handle opening this door and knowing you’re never going to open yours for me. I’ve played this game before, and I’mnotgoing to do it with you! I deserve better.”
Every fibre of my being seems to scream in protest of the words I just said. I might mean them, or at least desperately want to, but my feet are begging me to let them move towards her. My fingers itch to turn the lock. My arms are desperate to be around her.
“You’re so right. You do deserve better, and Iwantto be better for you.” She sniffles, and curses, and it’s just then I realize that it’s pouring rain out there. She’s probably soaked, and this probably isn’t the circumstance in which it’s a nice thing.“I thought I was doing us both a favor, but there’s no universe where I could believe this is good for me. It’s killing me, Reya. I fucking need you, and I’m so sorry that I didn’t realize that before I hurt you like this. Before I broke your trust. I hope you know how sorry I am, even if you don’t let me in. I’ll understand if you need to protect your peace. I know I’ve been anything but a peaceful presence in your life.”
I give myself time to take it all in. She isn’t going to go anywhere while I do, the sound of her voice telling me that much.
I’ve felt it killing me, too. Does that mean I should forgive her so easily? Giving her another chance to do this all over again is the most terrifying thought. It would be worse somehow, and I can’t imagine it getting worse than this. If I’m already at the bottom of the barrel, she has the capability of burying me far beneath the earth.
I approach the door, and lean my forehead against it before I do anything rash.