Page 99 of Not Until Her
“Definitely not peaceful,” I agree. A small thud sounds from her side, and I have a feeling we’d look symmetrical from a side view.
“I’m so sorry,” she cries.
“You’re not someone I can recover from.”
“What can I do? Please tell me what–”
“I don’t know. I’ve never been so scared in my life.”
And I can’t tell if it’s of letting you in or letting you go.
Except… I do know. It hits me as the words fly out of my mouth.
Fuck it.
I flick the lock, and pull the door open faster than she can catch on. She stumbles forward, and I put a steadying hand on her arm before she can fall into me. I’m not there yet. As far as catching up to tonight's events, I’m mentally still sitting on my bathroom floor listening to her crying through the wall.
If I’m being dramatic? I’m still sitting on the porch with her giggling in my lap before everything went to shit. What I wouldn’t give to go back to that moment.
“Hi,” she breathes. Her lashes glisten, and streaks of tears still sit on her cheeks. The rain is falling, the wind is blowing, but it looks like the front of her was protected by her huddling against my door.
“Hi.”
She nods past me, shivering.
“Can I?”
I step aside wordlessly.
My gaze tracks her as she goes to stand over a vent on the floor that’s blowing out hot air. I move to turn the heat up.
“You shouldn’t have been out in that weather,” I scold.
“It was worth it.” Our eyes lock from across the room. “I got in here.”
“So, now what? You keep pretending I’m worth it until the smallest thing sets you off and sends you running?”
She winces, and I hate it. I hate feeling like I’m doing something to hurt her, but I have to remind myself thatI’mthe one who’s been trying. I went crawling after her again and again while she shut me out.
“Your relationship with your best friend is not a small thing.”
“Did I not stand there and tell you that I didn’t have to tell her about us? I wouldn’t have put you through that, not until you were ready.”
“That’s the problem. What if I’m never ready, and I just continue to be this secret between you two? It wouldn’t end pretty.”
“Why bother coming back here tonight if that’s what you think.”
She hangs her head.
“I want to get there. I mean–I don’twantto. I’ve never been good at facing things head on, and if I had it my way, I’d avoid it all forever. But I know that’s not how life works. I’m going to have to confront some shit that makes me uncomfortable, especially if that’s what it takes for you to forgive me.”
“I don’t know if I forgive you.”
She nods like my words make all the sense in the world.
“I know. I don’t forgive me.”
I swear the rain started pelting the window so much harder at her words. The sound of it so loud that I had to step closer to her to avoid yelling.