Page 22 of The Guru: Shadow

She turned a corner, and as she stared up, she saw the top of the Empire State Building, today colored typically in red, white, and blue. Although it was mostly a tourist magnet and New Yorkers tend to avoid it where they could, for her, it had always been a place of power, a place she pulled strength from, because it somehow connected her with her dreams. As a child, she plastered a wall under her loft bed with images from New York City, and whenever she felt overwhelmed or in pain, she would hide under her bed and stare at the images of the Empire State Building - hoping, one day, she would finally break free from the endless cycles of pain she lived in. The Empire State Building was her guiding star, the one thing that gave her hope, kept her going.

Not today, however. She looked at it, and there was literally nothing. Only the blackness of anger inside her. The pain of betrayal and being all alone. She’d fled to Manhattan, hoping life would be better. And here she was, in a different place, but somehow in the same life.

She let herself sink down onto one of benches in Madison Square Park and took in her surroundings. A bench further along sat an old lady with an orange cat on her lap, who looked just as old as the lady with the white hair around her eyes and snout. The lady wore a very colorful flowery dress, a leather jacket, and black loafers. At least, from what she couldsee without staring too much, five necklaces dangled around her neck, and she wore a hat with feathers on it. Overall, the outfit was somewhat iconic and somewhat absolutely daring. In one hand, she held an ice cream cone, and while she licked it, she talked to the cat as if it was a person, she even shared her ice cream with it.

Maybe I’ll sit here with my cat in fifty years too and talk to it because I have no one else. She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to release the pulsating hate for everything in herself, including herself.

She could hear dogs barking at Jeremy’s Dog Run and the typical Manhattan noise of honking, cars, people talking, and music. Especially in Madison Square Park with the Flatiron building nearby – it always attracted people, especially tourists, as it was such an iconic place. All those people, they all went on with their lives, buzzing around, meeting friends, going places, while she was stuck in endless circles of self-loathing and drama. And she hated herself for it. Everyone here had something to do, hustle, do better, goals to achieve, dreams to follow, get more, be more. And she became less with every day.

When she opened her eyes, the world around her was still the same.

“Are you all right, dearest?” It was the old lady, looking at her with a knowing smile on her face.

“I…um…yes.”

Normally, she didn’t chat with strangers.

“You don’t look like it.”

Leave me alone.

“I’ll manage. Thanks for asking.”

“When I was your age, I had no idea who I was and what to do with my life.”

Is it that obvious? She thought as she stared at the cat lady.

“Eventually, I stopped caring what others thought of me and became whoever I wanted to be.”

If it would be easy as that.

The lady stood up, walked over to her, and sat herself next to her on the bench, her hand reaching for her thigh. It wassomething she could not stand. Strangers touching her. Even if it was an old cat lady.

“I’ll let you in on a secret. You don’t need to know who you are, you don’t need to be anything. You just follow your heart. You love, you lose, you fall, you get back up. But never give up. It will get better, dearest. There will come a day, where what belongs to you finds you, and then you’ll know.”

And with it, she stood up, took her cat, and went into the night.

Life advice from a weird old lady wasn’t something she could take seriously as of this moment, but somehow, it had been sweet of her. This lady was, in the end, everything she loved about New York City. Maybe this was some sort of sign. A sign of something up there she didn’t believe in, but whatever.

Out of habit, she took out her phone.

No messages.

Immediately, the feeling of loneliness consumed her again.

I am not important to anyone.

Maybe I should just move somewhere else. New beginning. New life.

But where?

And with what money?

She opened her banking app and stared at the number of her checking account.

-$333.33

Seriously? What is it with all the threes today?