Page 23 of The Guru: Shadow
One of her credit cards was definitely maxed out; her other might get her to survive for the rest of the month on canned soup. She had nothing to sell anymore as she had sold so much stuff during the past three months. After quitting the job at the public library, the job at the bar didn’t pay enough to cover her costs, even with Chris. Without him, it was even worse. The library job hadn’t payed that badly, but she had been unable to stand it any longer because of the constant proximity to so many people. It had overwhelmed her every day a bit more. Initially, she had thought it to be a great change of scenery after her hustle job in the agency, as it was quiet there. But she had been so, so wrong. Everyone had wanted something from her, constant small talk. Plus, endless days when time wouldsimply not pass. Part of her wanted action and adventure although she loved predictability, while the rest of her was exhausted only by existing. So she had worked part-time in a bar, which didn’t pay any better and also overwhelmed her daily, and her boss had been an absolute asshole. And as she couldn’t deal with being bossed around, it took exactly two months until she got herself fired.
Either to numb herself or out of habit, she closed the banking app and opened Instagram. First thing she saw was a photo Julie had posted forty-five minutes ago with the title‘Guess what?’And it showed them all celebrating at Stone’s. Julie showing her off her ring. Seeing it, not being part of it, made her heart clench so hard, it almost felt as if it would splinter, releasing more anger, like toxin, into her veins - although it was her own fault. She wanted to belong, but when she was there, she couldn’t stand the duplicity - story of her life.
She scrolled. Another stupid ad from that guru-girl telling her that her dream life was only one manifestation away.
Fuck you.
She scrolled further and groaned in her mind. Chris and Sami kissing half naked in a bed of roses whileshe sat here alone on a lonely bench in Madison Square Park.
Madison Square Park.
Chris had kissed her here for the first time. For a moment, she thought about crying, but still, tears would not come. Instead, her emotions consumed her, encased her being, blinding and separating her from the rest of the world.
The world does not care about you.She let the destructive voice in her mind know.
She bent over and let her face fall into her hands.
You’re a nobody.
A worthless piece of shit nobody cares about.
You will never make it anywhere.
Your own mother doesn’t even recognize you anymore.
No one likes you.
No one wants you.
No one cares.
And as the voice in her head overwhelmed her, she couldn’t stand her own existence anymore.
She had to get out.
She needed a release.
7
DEIS
PLAYLIST: BECOME THE BEAST (PREDATOR REMIX) - KARLIENE
He watched her walking block by block by block. Walking in circles, she seemed to have no goal at all. Now she sat for a while in Madison Square Park, on the bench that had this beautiful view of the Empire State.
Something about her he couldn’t quite grasp. It almost intimidated him a bit, which was definitely a first. He was normally a master of reading people, but there was a puzzle piece of hers he missed.
“Ed, do you have her signal?” he asked his driver as he watched her pick up her phone.
He handed him the tablet with a traced signal on it.
“No messages?”
“No, she’s just checking her banking and Instagram.”
“Interesting. Anything else you found?”
“The ex is in Bali with the Peterson girl, just got married, Instagram is on the third tab.”