Page 48 of Forbidden Fruit
“Yes,zitella, too soon.”
Her laugh dies slowly, but there’s no heaviness when she asks, “Did you want to talk about us?”
“Yes, Vanessa. I haven’t been with a woman since my ex-wife left and it was very hard on Anton and Livia. I can’t afford to get swept away in a romance that will only last a summer, especially since you are already so close to them. But every time I get closer to you, it makes the world a little brighter. I just can’t keep getting lost in you while you also work for me. It’s confusing for the kids, for me. I feel like I’m taking advantage of you and I hate it.”
“Oh,” she says. I know disappointment when I hear it and I know it might not be fair, but my priority is to my children. “I understand. They should feel safe and I don’t want to confuse them. I love them so much already.”
“You’re not their mother,” I bark and regret it immediately.
Vanessa, gracious as she is, doesn’t yell at me for snapping. I’m met with more understanding and kindness than I deserve and I shift on my bed, uncomfortable with all these new emotions.
“Lino, I know I’m not their mother. I would never try to fill up her shoes, even if you and I grow into something more.”
The hope blooming in my chest is a beast with its own mind. It doesn’t matter that my rational brain is at the head of this ship, it keeps making it sway.
“I need time,zitella. I don’t know how to deal with this…” I don’t finish my sentence because I don’t have the word for what we are.
She sighs heavily. “There are things you need to know about me, about what I want in life. I can’t afford to lose this job, Lino. I’m attracted to you and trust me, I know what being taken advantage of is like.” I don’t like the sound of that one bit. “You’re not doing that. But my needs have to come first.”
My nostrils flare at the hurt and pain her words hint at. I want to know who hurt her and how I can protect her from harm.
How a young woman is already so sure of herself and ready to demand what she deserves is so beautiful to witness. I feel privileged she’d give me a front row seat. But also an asshole for wanting everything she could ever give.
“Can I ask you why you need this job? It’s not like I’m paying you so well, or that I’m the easiest person to work with.”
“No, but your kids are.” I can hear her smile. My shoulders lower with relief and I wish I was there to see her face and bask in her light. “I don’t want to bother you with my situation, Lino. But I want more for myself, and my dreams… They cost money. I’m gonna put myself through school and become a chiropractor.”
“How much?” It might sound like an innocent question, but my solution-driven mind which hasn’t felt emotions for years, is already plotting how it can help her.
“It’s five years in university and I would probably need a year before that to catch up and be on the correct level. I found a night class I can take online, so that’s great.”
“How much,zitella?” I ask again.
“The night class tuition is a thousand euros per semester.”
I put Vanessa on speaker and wire-transfer what she would need for the year’s tuition plus extra. She shouldn’t have to worry about a thing. I’m overstepping, but I’m too far gone. I want her to have whatever she desires, even if it’s not me.
“What did you do?” she asks with alarm.
“I’m taking care of it.”
“Lino,” she sighs. “I don’t want a handout. I can take care of myself. I’ve never needed anyone, I’m not gonna start now.”
I can hear the anger rising in her tone. It’s what I was afraid of when I spoke to Pierce about her, but he said to be a partner. I want to be her partner. The desire to provide for her and help her is fed by the desire to see her thrive. She’s independentand strong-minded, but how long has she had this dream and couldn’t afford it?
“What if I told you that you don’t have to do it by yourself?”
“Lino, you don’t want confusion, but then you give me money for my studies. This is even more confusing.” Her voice pitches high and I wince.
I’m doing this all wrong. This is the first time in my life when I have no clue what to do. With Monica, it was simple. We met. I liked her enough, and she reciprocated. Our marriage gave my unborn child the family I had growing up. I battled the darkness alone. Went to work. On repeat forever.
Now, sunshine has entered my life for the first time and Vanessa makes everything easier, the steps lighter, the battle less bloody. And I can’t tell her. The words stay stuck in my throat.
“Please,zitella. Just let me take care of this. Let me help you,” I plead. “And I know I don’t deserve anything from you, but would you give me a few weeks? Just enough time to understand what I’m feeling.”
“You don’t know?” Her question is genuine and lacks the sarcasm my ex-wife would have infused into her every word.
“No. I haven’tfeltfor a long time.”