Page 92 of Love Harder

I don’t know what it was, but it sometimes felt as though he was present but not. Yes, he made the effort to see me, but when he did, it sometimes felt he was somewhere else.

A friend made a passing comment that maybe I was more into him than he was into me. I pondered on this for a long while. She said try it.

Take note of who is more affectionate.

Pay attention to who holds whose hand first.

Or who initiates the first touch.

And I did.

Can you guess who it was?

Yes, it was me.

For someone who takes pride in seeing the small things that others might not, I had totally dropped the ball.

That sinking feeling returned, and no matter how many times my friends tried to reassure me, I just couldn’t shake this déjà vu away.

The closer I paid attention to it, the more I saw that I was the one who instigated the hand-holding or the hugs, while he was the one who initiated sex.

Touch is my love language, and now that I realize I’m the one who is touching, I want to stop it immediately because I feel like a fool.

Was this a me problem?

He had told me he was guarded.

But so was I.

The more I thought about this, the more it festered. Until I do what I do best…I ran.

Not literally, but I took a step back.

I needed to view whatever this was objectively and dissect it. This is the advice I would give any friend, so it was time I took my own advice because The Unicorn could break me, and I knew if he did, there would be no coming back this time.

I had opened my heart, and now I was wondering if maybe I should have been a little wiser with my choices. Not with The Unicorn, but rather, slamming on the brakes and edging into this new adventure with caution.

Deep down, I knew these were my insecurities pulling me into every direction and my heart going into self-preservation mode. I wish I could stop it, that I could slap my own ass. But it felt as though I had forgotten how to be treated how every woman deserves.

The happiness was forever being overshadowed by doubt, and I was watching myself destroy something that was nothing but beautiful.

Trust the overthinker when they tell you that they like you, for they have thought of every reason not to.

This would be the time that any other man would run, but The Unicorn never did.

If I went quiet, lost in my head, he would always be there, asking what I was thinking. He never gave up. He pressed until I told him, and for someone who is an avoidant, it was hard not to do what comes intrinsically and that was destroy everything and leave chaos in your wake.

But The Unicorn stayed.

Not once did he want a break.

Not once did he go back on his word.

I was the one who kept looking for something that wasn’t there.

I cried to Mötley many times, frustrated at myself. I wanted to stop being such an idiot and accept this for what it was. The Unicorn and I were more together than we were apart and when we were apart, we were still talking.

So what was the issue here?