Page 53 of From the Ashes
He stared at me, surprised by my outburst but saying nothing. Suddenly everything I’d been holding back seemed pointless. He’d already seen me break down in front of him and he was pissed at me anyway. What did I have to lose by telling him the truth? Maybe if I did, he would finally just leave me alone and get on with his life.
“Or maybe you want me to tell you how fucked up I am, huh? Tell you how my life fell apart, how I’ve never recovered?”
I reached over to the side table, grabbing a small bag and dumping it out on the floor. At least a dozen orange prescription bottles hit the floor, rattling as they bounced over the vinyl.
“Or do you want to hear how I’m on a cocktail of drugs that would make a meth head blush just so I can stay sane on a daily basis? Maybe you want to hear about my visits to the shrink every week? Or maybe you want to hear about how many times I’ve sat up at the creek wishing an avalanche, flood, or rockslide would just put me out of my misery? Is that what you fucking want to hear, Phoenix?!”
I turned away from him before he could answer, unable to stand the look of shock on his face any longer. Now he knew. And I was just waiting to hear the door open once more behind me as he walked out of my life forever. The moment I heard his footsteps, my heart sank. But then, I felt arms slip around my shoulders and my back pressed against his chest. Warm breath danced over my neck, and I heard myself gasp in surprise.
“I wanted to be here for you,” Nix said, his whisper making my neck break out in goosebumps. Heat soaked through the back of my hoodie as he held me close. “I wanted to help you. Beusefulto you in your time of need.” He took a breath. “Maybe I was just being selfish because I wanted to be the person you could lean on. Instead of giving you the space you wanted, I kept coming back and trying to force you to let me in.”
“I never wanted you to see me like this,” I muttered, my voice barely audible over the thumping of my own heart. “I didn’t want you to see me…broken.”
“You’re not broken, Charlie.”
“It’s been six years,” I retorted. “And I can barely go outside.”
“Everyone heals in their own way. Some take longer than others.”
I wanted to stay there in his arms forever, to feel that warm embrace that I’d missed for so long. But I felt like I was lying to him. Like I was creating false hope by allowing him to stay there. Phoenix and I could never be together. Not when his life was so wonderful and all his dreams were coming true. And my life… Well, it was still a mess. One that I’d been refusing to clean up for years. The last thing I wanted to do was make him think that we could try again and be together. I wouldn’t be the one to clip his wings and drag him back down to earth when he was in the midst of flying higher than either of us ever thought possible.
So I pulled his arms away and stepped out of his hug.
“I’m not sure I’ll ever recover,” I said at last. “It wasn’t just my mom that died that day. I lost everything that seemed stable in my life.”
“You didn’t lose me,” Nix said, his eyes glistening. “And I still want to be here for you. As your…friend.”
My heart sank when I heard him say that word. I knew we’d never be more than that. Not now. But hearing him say it aloud didn’t make it any easier. It just added a touch of finality to our past relationship that I’d been deluding myself about for a long time.
“Will you let me call you?” Nix asked, looking up at me. “Or write letters to me? Either is fine and I’ll understand if you don’t want to hear from me again. But Charlie… I don’t want toloseyou, okay? You’re my best friend in the entire world. You always have been. Andeven if you don’t want me to watch you struggle, I at least want to support you from the sidelines if you’ll let me.”
I couldn't think of a reason to turn him down. He already knew everything. The weight that was lifted off my chest just from telling him was immense. And I wanted more of that even if I could never have more of him. So I nodded, forcing the lump in my throat down.
“Thanks Charlie.” He looked up at me, those green eyes staring directly into my soul. “I really missed you.”
Phoenix stepped closer, his hands coming to rest on my biceps. There was a sparkle in his eyes as he got close, our bodies touching in a way that didn't make me want to pull away. In fact… I wished he wascloser. And that was an odd sensation. Almost as if he could sense it, he leaned in close, his breath dancing over my skin. He glanced down at my lips, his parting as he got closer. My heart raced and my stomach lurched, but all I could do was stand there, frozen in place as the world shifted around me.
“Charlie, I–”
Several loud horn blasts from outside made us both jump, pulling us apart. Phoenix sighed, shook his head, walked over to the window and peeked through.
“Yeah, that's what I thought. Tony's ready to go.”
“Tony?” I was surprised by the sudden rush of jealousy I felt. “Who's that?”
“My agent. He's traveling with me to all the book signings.”
“Are you and he…” I snapped my mouth shut, unable to speak the rest of my impertinent question. Nix’s personal life was none of my business and he definitely didn't owe me an explanation.
“We're just friends.” But the way he said it made me think theremight be alittlemore to it than that. “He's not the dating type, anyway. The book only got sold because of him.”
“Is he gay too?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh.”
Nix looked nervous, his fingers combing through his hair. “Charlie, I–”