Page 58 of From the Ashes

I stood there for a moment, realizing for the first time that I’d invited him in without a second thought. It just seemed like the normal, natural thing to do. Usually, such a thing would make me anxious. Ihated people being in my space. Patrick was a friend of course, but he was stillnot me. And even though he was standing in my kitchen, my lack of anxiety about having him there, weirdly, made me anxious.

“Would you rather be on the porch?” I offered.

“No, no! This is fine.” His face melted into a warm smile. “It just makes me feel like you trust me is all. So, thank you I guess.”

“S-Sure.” I wasn’t really sure what to say, so I busied myself for a moment making a second glass of lemonade.

“This place seems a bit brighter lately,” Patrick said nonchalantly, leaning against one of the chairs. “Youseem… different.”

“Different? What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. Maybe happier, I guess.”

The old part of me wanted to argue with him, to assure him that everything was the same and I was just as miserable as ever. But the truth was, he wasn’t the first person to notice. My shrink had definitely noticed something different about me in our last handful of sessions. In the past few weeks, I’d pulled the blinds open to let the sunlight into the house for the first time in six years. I’d dusted the shelves, packed a few of mom’s old knickknacks away to make room for my own, and even started to go out for my daily walks around sunset instead of after dark. And sometimes I caught myself smiling for no reason at all.

It was like I’d become a new person. In reality I knew I’d improved a marginal amount. Maybe five percent or something. But in the world I’d lived in for the past six years, that five percent felt like I’d gotten a second chance at life. Up until now I’d been living like a ninety-year-old hermit. But today I felt twenty-four. And that was a wild sensation.

“I’m… feeling a little better these days,” I said at last, deciding not to lie.

“Did something change?”

I thought of all the letters Phoenix had been writing to me about his life, his career, and his dreams. They were the bright bursts of light I’d been searching for. Even though he wasn’t down the street anymore, I felt like I had my best friend back. I feltlessalone. It was amazing how something so simple could feel so freeing.

“Do you remember Phoenix McKean?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

Patrick immediately blushed. “Y-Yeah.” He dropped his gaze down to the floor. “I haven’t talked to him since that party before senior year of high school.” He glanced up at me, his brows furrowed nervously. “Not my finest moment with you. Or him.”

I decided to let the past remain in its place. “Well, I saw him a few weeks back. He was traveling to do book signings for his novel.”

“Oh yeah, I heard he might be in town.” He laughed, taking another sip of his lemonade. “Tyler wanted me to track him down and get him to sign both our copies of his book.”

“You havetwocopies?”

“Well, Tyler wouldn’t let me read his because he was too busy rereading it himself, so I bought another copy. And I’m glad I did. I think we’ve both read it two or three times now. Each.”

For some reason, the thought of Patrick reading for pleasure had never crossed my mind. He was such a jock… I just assumed he was mostly illiterate. In retrospect, that was probably unfair.

“Have you read it?” he asked.

I shook my head, thinking of the untouched copy I still had sitting on my shelf.

“Oh.” Patrick looked suddenly nervous and I couldn’t figure out why. “Well, anyway, it’s a good book.” His words were quick and stilted. “So, he visited, is that why you’re feeling better?”

Pretending I didn’t notice his sudden nervousness, I said, “We’ve been writing to one another. Just a letter here and there, but it’s been really nice to reconnect with him.”

“Is he thinking about coming back to Creekside to stay?”

“No. Why would he do that?”

“I couldn’t help wondering if… you and him… you know.”

“No,” I repeated, furrowing my brows. “He’s not going to come back here for me.”

“Why’s that?” The question seemed so innocent. “It’s obvious you like each other. Hell, I’ve known that since that party when you told me off. It was easy to see you loved him.”

I suddenly wished I’d never invited Patrick into my house.

“Nixisn’tcoming back here.”