Page 85 of From the Ashes
“Charlie wait!” Nix called from behind me.
But I didn’t listen. I kept on going. My stomach had twisted into knots, my heart was pounding, and a cold tingling filled my entire body. This was one of those big panic attacks, the kind that could either leave me unconscious on the ground or wandering through Creekside for the night until I finally calmed down. Either way, my emotions were completely out of control and everything was overwhelming. In my mind I could still hear the incessant beeping, still see my mother’s last moments during the accident. I had to get away from it all. I needed quiet.
I hadn’t gotten far before a hand came to rest on my shoulder, trying to stop me. But I tore myself away.
“Charlie…”
“Leave me alone!” I cried, the panic inside me having already turned to anger.
“I want to make sure you’re okay. You’re scaring me.”
I rounded on him, pointing a finger in his face. “I’m fine, no thanks to you!”
“W-What did I do?”
“What didn’t you do, Nix?!” I cried, losing all control of my anger. “I was doing fine until you showed up here!”
He looked so hurt. “What do you mean?”
“For six years I was fine! Everything was quiet and tolerable! Then you came back and you forced your way into my house and my life. You made me feel things that I wasn’t ready to feel, pushed me to see people, and you even convinced me to get inthatcar!” I shouted, pointing to the wrecked SUV. “Nothing bad happened to me until you came back!”
There was no mistaking that broken-hearted look in his eyes. I’d struck him down to his core. And the worst part was, a small piece of me meant it. Things really were easier before Nix came back. Everything was predictable and I knew what to expect, even if it wasn’t going to last for that much longer.
But Nix didn’t crumple or back down. And this time there wasn’t a team of nurses to drag him out of my room. My heart pounded and I was gasping for air. He didn’t make a move to calm me or attempt to make me feel better. Instead, he set his jaw and glared, his eyes unblinking.
“Nothing bad happened while I was gone,” he growled. “But nothing good happened either. You’ve been sitting in that fucking house,rottingaway for the past six years and feeling sorry for yourself.”
“I lost everything, Nix!” I yelled, throwing my arms wide.
“You lost your mother,” he shot back, poking me in the chest. “Everything else, youpushedaway. Including me!”
“I needed space!”
“No, you needed time towallowin your own self-pity.”
“Fuck you.”
“No, fuckyouCharlie,” he barked, his control slipping away. “You might have lost your mom that day, but I was the one that lost my best friend! I spent four months in that hospital. I sat at your side, holding your hand every single fucking day. I talked to you, kept you company, and made sure I would be there when you opened your eyes.” Tears streamed down his face as he yelled, his voice growing shakier with each word. “And when you woke up, you threw me out like I wasnothing!” He jabbed me in the chest again with his finger, the impact definitely leaving a bruise. “I’m sorry a bad thing happened to you, butyouare the bad thing that happened tome!”
I wanted to argue, to do anything to turn the blame back on him. But his words caught me so off guard that I didn’t know what to say. What did he mean? I had a feeling I was going to find out whether I wanted to or not.
“You say you spent the last six years with nothing bad happening? Well, I had to wake up every single day and remember that my best friend, the man I shared my first kiss with, wanted nothing to do with me after I dideverythingI could for him.” He jabbed me again, but the fury was gone and he nearly collapsed against me. “I’ve missed you every day for the last six years… so much that I could barely breathe. I wrote a book about how much I cared for you… how much Ilovedyou, Charlie.” He looked up at me, exhaustion sweeping over him. “But I can’t give my heart to someone who’s going to abandon me every time things get difficult.”
All at once, the anxiety in my chest shifted aside as his words sank in. Helovedme? When did that start?
“I’ve loved you since I was fourteen,” he said, as if he could read my mind. “And I just can’t do it anymore. Not if you’re going to run when things are hard.” He pulled away from me, crossing his arms over his chest as if he were trying to comfort himself. “You know, I could deal with the panic attacks and the therapists and the meds,” he continued. “None of that bothered me, Charlie. I’ve always loved you for who you are, no matter what.”
I tried to think of something to say. Something that would fix this entire situation. But what could that possibly be? There were no words that would take back the awful things I said to him. And with my brain reeling and my heart still thudding in my chest, I wanted nothing more than to escape into the lamp-lit streets and find some peace.
However, I knew that if I walked away from Nix now, I wouldn’t see him for a long time. He was going home to Boston in the morning.Nothing was going to stop that. Not when he had a thousand other things to do to keep his career on track and his publisher happy.
“Fine,” I said, my heart breaking as the words left my lips. “Then it’s better you go.”
His mouth opened slightly in surprise. He’d expected me to fight for him. But how could I when the truth was staring me in the face?
He was right. I was in the wrong and I’d been quick to blame him for everything. That only proved one thing to me. I was too broken to be with him. Or anyone for that matter. Nix was a free spirit, a wild thing that couldn’t be contained. If he were to stay with me, he’d be trapped in this little town forever because we both knew I wouldnevermove to Boston with him. I couldn’t. Not with my sensitivities.
So, despite how bad it made me feel, I had to leave him behind.