Page 14 of Shane
But Alex didn’t call Shane’s bluff. This man had just gone above all expectations. He didn’t need any more crap. Instead, Alex swallowed his pride with a long, audible sigh and told his newest employee, “Shane, I apologize. What I said before wasn’t fair to you, nor was it necessary. Truth is, you hit a tender nerve I didn’t realize I still had. I was a mess for years after I lost Sara and Abby. And now that I’ve had time to calm down and think, I can see that you’re in the same dark place I was then. When I first lost my family, I believed there would never be any relief for me. I blamed myself for everything that happened, and I… Shit, I honestly hated everything and everyone for a few years. I took out my anger on my employees, and I hated the two women, the ex-wives” —he cleared his throat after admitting how stupid he’d been— “who I tried to replace Sara with. I know now I did that because I hated myself most of all.”
“You think I don’t know how that feels?” Shane asked more softly, his head cocked and those ocean blue eyes taking stock of the man Alex truly hoped he was now.
And there it was, the truth. Alex had thought he’d lost everything back then. Well, Shane had lost everything, too. Maybe more.
“No, I think you know precisely what I’m talking about.” Alex moved to the edge of his chair, reached one hand out, and laid it on Shane’s shoulder. That was some shoulder, damned near as wide and as hefty as Mark’s. This was no young kid at his fingertips, but a war-hardened Jarhead with the persistent growth of a heavy five o’clock shadow, and it wasn’t even noon. A man Alex admitted he respected. “Mark Houston’s my second-in-command, Shane, and he does all the hiring. If he says you’re good, you’re hired. Simple as that. I trust Mark with my life, and because he trusts you, I trust you with my life now, too. Deal?”
Mark dipped his head, acknowledging that he understood how difficult this was for Alex. “He is that good, Boss. If you don’t snap Hayes up, some other security company will, and it’ll be our loss.”
Alex appreciated that Mark said, “our loss,” not “your dumb-assed fault.”
“Then do it,” Alex said, his angst completely gone instead of just buried, and his head on straight once again. To Shane, he said, “My wife’s on her way in. You’ll like Kelsey, and I know she’ll like you. Are we square?”
Shane nodded, but there was no hint of a smile on his rugged face, no relief at being employed shining in his eyes. Well, Alex figured he deserved that. Next step: Prove to Shane how well he would fit in The TEAM. How much he was needed. Fitting in was one thing; belonging was another. It was time Shane Hayes found his place in the world, and it was with The TEAM, damn it.
Imagine an eighteen-year-old with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Still navigating his way through his first year of college. Then faced with arranging and paying for his mother’s funeral. Top that off with a tragic vehicular accident that ended in two deaths and…
Son of a bitch. What was God thinking to put that heavy load on a kid still wet behind the ears? Alex had been eight years older than Shane the day of that fateful accident, and eight years was a helluva difference between a kid fresh out of high school and a dumb-assed grunt who’d thought he had to save the world. Hell, Alex hadn’t been able to save himself. Kelsey had done that. Alex knew that for damned sure.
Now, twelve years later, four of them spent banging his ornery head against every brick wall that came along, including two divorces and enough Irish whiskey to drown a team of draft horses—or asses, depending on how you looked at things—Alex wasn’t the mean bastard he’d been back then. Well, he was still a bastard. A man could only change so much. But he’d married Kelsey and loving her made all the difference. Sure, he still had bad days, and he would forever miss the blonde darlings he’d had to bury. There was no replacing the people he’d loved and lost, not ever. But he had Kelsey to wake up to each morning now; his darling Lexie Rose and Baby Bradley to play with and read to when he went home. To kiss goodnight.
His family was Alex’s second chance, and Kelsey was his guiding light, the one, true bringer of life into his sour, old heart. If not for her positive outlook on life and her forever annoying habit of forgiving everyone—including him—well, he’d just be a bitter old drunk. Still cursing God, the world, and himself, like the loser he’d been after the funeral. Those had been some damned dark days. But they were safely buried in the past, and honoring his first wife and daughter by living was the best kind of comfort. Somehow, Alex needed to teach Shane that.
He squeezed that bulky male shoulder again. “If you came here to ask me to forgive you, Shane, you came to the wrong man. I never blamed you. There’s nothing to forgive. Accidents happen, and cancer is a son of a bitch. I’m sorry you lost your mother, but you can’t carry those three deaths with you for the rest of your life. Sara and Abby are at peace now. So’s your mom. Do you think they want you to suffer for something you had no way of preventing?”
Alex never thought he’d be the one sitting here talking to anyone like this or about those deaths like he was. But it felt good being the only one who truly understood how Shane felt. It’d feel better if he were able to help this younger man recover from what had been a helluva blow.
Forgiveness was never meant for the person you wronged. Most times, they didn’t even know what they’d done to you or that you were bitterly condemning them behind their backs. Forgiveness was simply the grace you needed to let go of the things you could never change. It was the wisdom to forgive yourself for being human and the permission you gave yourself to start living again. It was a built-in escape clause when tragedy struck and you thought all was lost or everything was hopeless. According to Kelsey, God was the most perfect Father of all fathers. If Alex, as flawed as he knew he was, could love his imperfect children as much as he damned well knew he did, how much greater did his Heavenly Father love every last one of his children? Even the sinners...like me.
Shane nodded, sniffed, and rubbed a hand under his nose. His eyes fluttered until he finally looked up and met Alex’s gaze. “I do know that, Mr. Stewart, err, Alex. But it’s damned hard to forgive myself. Sounds easy, but…” He brushed his hand over his face again. “I still see them, then I see you, and then I… I…”
“Have you been to grief counseling?” Mark asked.
Shane shook his head. “No. Wasn’t time. I enlisted right after I buried Mom.”
“Why?” Alex asked. “Why’d you enlist so soon after you’d lost everything?”
Shane’s nostrils flared and his chest heaved. He swallowed hard, his neck muscles working to make something go down. “Because… I ruined your life. I took everything from you. And I read somewhere that you’d left the Corps, that you quit because I took your family away from you. I had to do something to make it right, so I became—”
“You became a scout sniper because you thought you could pick up where I left off.”
Shane nodded. “It seemed smart at the time. I mean, I saw you in your dress blues at the funeral. I was there. I saw what I did to you. I needed to pay it forward somehow.”
Enough! Alex closed the distance and pulled Shane’s hard head into his shoulder. It was either that or bust out bawling as that day crawled all over him again. “You’ve suffered enough. You’ve given enough,” he declared, his voice husky as hell. “Let it go. What’s done is done. It’s over.”
“I did it for you. I paid it forward for you.” The guy was shaking, and Alex was so damned humbled. He sucked in a belly full of air and slapped the back of Shane’s hard head. “You’re an idiot, you know that, don’t you?”
“Guess that makes two of us then,” Shane said as Alex let go and Shane sat back in his chair.
Alex nodded and, damn it, he had to brush a damned tear off his lower eyelid before it got away from him. He grunted because remembering still hurt, then sucked in another breath and let the last of his own angst fizzle away. Luckily, Mark’s intercom buzzed, and Everlee’s voice came across with a bright and cheery, “Do you know where Alex is, Mark? His wife’s here, and this place is too big to send Kelsey on a scavenger hunt looking for him.”
“And she’d do that, too,” Mark replied, his voice still devoid of his usual lighthearted humor. “Alex is with me and Shane. Send her in.”
“Thanks, Mark!” Everlee’s voice was muted as she must’ve turned and told Kelsey where her ornery husband was. Everlee came back with, “Great! She’s on her way. Let me know how things go with Shane, will ya? I really like that guy. Just my opinion, but you’d be smart to hire him.”
“Later, Ev,” Mark replied, a definite tone of chastisement in his voice.
“Gotcha. Can’t tell me anything, understood. My lips are sealed. Can’t blame a girl for asking, though. Bye, big guy!”