Page 130 of Outback Secrets
‘Because …’ He let out a long, deep breath as heat rose on the back of his neck. ‘Because it helps me deal with the guilt. I was supposed to be working at the Silver Ridge store that day, but …’ He shook his head—the reasons didn’t matter. ‘I should have been there. I should have stopped the guy. I should have saved them.’
‘Oh, Liam.’ Henri’s eyes filled with tears. ‘The shooting wasn’t your fault. You can’t stop some people doing crazy things.’
He shrugged. ‘Maybe. But why did I get to live? My little sister hadn’t even graduated high school. She hadn’t had a boyfriend. Mum and Dad loved what they did but they had big plans to travel the world together when they retired. None of them got to do any of those things. I guess spending their money on helping other people goes a small way to making me feel like their deaths weren’t in vain. Stupid, I know.’
‘It’s not stupid. It’s not stupid at all.’ She sniffed and wiped her eye with the back of her hand. ‘Can I ask you one more thing?’
He nodded.
‘Is it because of the guilt that you won’t allow yourself to get close to anyone—because if your parents and sister can’t have a loving relationship, why should you? Or is it because Kate hurt you by falling in love with someone else when you needed her the most?’
She had it all wrong. Familiar guilt filled him, and he struggled to find the right words. ‘It’s not either of those things,’ he admitted. ‘It’s not because Kate hurt me. It’s because I hurt her.’
‘What?’
‘I was the one who broke us, and I can’t risk putting anyone else through what I did to her.’
Henri frowned. ‘What do you mean? You didn’t cheat on her? Abuse her?’
He could tell from the tone of her voice that she didn’t believe him capable of such things and he was glad of that, but he didn’t want there to be any doubt. ‘No, of course not.’
‘Then why? I won’t tell a soul that you’re responsible for the anonymous gifts and donations, but please, tell me exactly what you mean?’
‘After I lost my family, I went through a very dark patch. I threw myself into work to try and numb the pain, but it didn’t really work. I made big mistakes, stupid decisions, and then I kinda just checked out. Most days I couldn’t even get out of bed. Kate took over the management of both stores and ran herself ragged, while I stayed at home, refusing to see anyone, do anything. I barely ate, I stopped shaving, I didn’t even shower.’
‘You were depressed,’ Henri said quietly.
He nodded. ‘Yeah. Kate got me to see a therapist, but things had changed between us by then. My mental health was too big a burden. It was like there were three people in our relationship—me, her and the black dog. It got her down too. She felt helpless, and eventually she found the companionship and intimacy I was no longer capable of giving her, with someone else. I’m happy for her. Truly. She deserves someone who doesn’t drag her down.’
‘Do you see anyone about it now? Do you take something?’
‘I’m on medication, yes. Maybe I always will be.’
‘How did you cope after Kate left? Surely that would have been a crippling blow?’
‘Yes and no. I didn’t blame her, but I felt like her leaving gave me the freedom to sell up the businesses and get away from Silver Ridge. I hoped that fleeing far from the scene of the shooting and doing some travelling would help me heal.’
‘Why do I get the feeling it didn’t?’
Damn, she was perceptive. ‘You’re right; it got worse. Much worse. I travelled almost on autopilot, each place making me feel more guilty for being able to do what my family never could.’ He paused. ‘It was Christmas Eve ten years ago when I drove into Bunyip Bay …’
* * *
Henri held her breath as Liam spoke—everything he’d said so far made sense and it only intensified her feelings for him. The knowledge he lived through what he did every day and still managed to be a beacon of light for those who came into the pub, only made her love him more.
‘I don’t think I told you, but the shooting … it happened … my family were killed on Christmas Eve.’
Oh God. It made something that was already impossible to comprehend even worse.
‘The shop was covered in lights and decorations, carols were blasting from the speakers as the shots were echoing through the store. Every time I see a Christmas tree or hear so much as a “ho ho ho”, it takes me right back to that day. I didn’t think I could take it any longer, so that Christmas I decided to end it all.’
No. Bitter cold flooded her lungs—the thought of the world without Liam wasn’t something she wanted to contemplate. Somehow, she managed to withhold her gasp, not wanting to interrupt him.
‘I’d seen a lot of Australia and although almost every place I went to was amazing, I still couldn’t help feeling it should have been me who died. I was exhausted, tired of the demons in my head, and I couldn’t see any reason to keep living. I came here, to The Palace, for one last meal and I met Arthur McArthur. We talked like I hadn’t talked to anyone since the shooting and when I thanked him, still planning to finish it all that night, he said simply, “No need to thank me, it’s my job.” I realised that’s what I wanted. A vocation that gave me meaning and the power to help others. Being a publican might not be the obvious choice, but just an hour with Arthur showed me it had given him the kind of purpose I was looking for. If I could help one person the way he helped me, my life would be worth it.’
‘And you have,’ Henri said, thinking of the conversation she’d had with Rex Carter. ‘And then some.’
The smallest blush crept into his cheeks.