Page 83 of Rescuing Ryder
“You act like I’m a drug user? People like you gave me the meds,” Ryder accused.
“I read your file. I know why you run. When will you stop and fight?” Claire raised her voice.
“Fight for what?” Ryder roared.
“Everything, Ryder. A chance to live a happy life.” Claire spread her arms out wide.
“I don’t deserve it.” Ryder shook his head, denying what she said.
“Why?” Claire cried.
“You know why.” Ryder threw his hands up in the air in disbelief at her words.
“Why?” she demanded.
“Damn it. Because I can’t live a life worthy of them,” he confessed quietly.
“Why?” she pressed him harder.
“Did you forget you’re a butterfly, not a freakin’ parrot?” he asked her, irritated.
“Let’s start with the sarcasm to shield you from feeling anything.” She crossed her arms and glared at him.
Ryder’s nostrils flared and his chest heaved. He barely held on to the rope which tethered him to the hell he lived and Claire prayed he let it go.
“I don’t want to feel this,” Ryder yelled. He paced back and forth, running his hands through his hair.
“Which part? The part where you remained helpless in enemy territory and ran out of medical supplies? The time when Gunner chose to protect you at all costs because none of them made it if something happened to you. Watching Gunner’s wife mourn the man she loved? Did you ever think they all made choices?” Claire asked him as tears fell down her cheeks.
“Shut up, Claire. You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Ryder gritted out.
“Gunner chose to leave in the wee hours of the morning because you stayed up all night caring for your brothers. What little supplies you saved diminished in the middle of the night. You finally slept for a short time before waking and tending to the burn victims by using the little water you had left in your canteen to ease their suffering. Gunner took the opportunity to find help then, knowing you’d insist on going yourself or staying together. The men chose to follow him. Patty chose the military life and all it entailed when she fell in love with Gunner.”
“Shut up!” He advanced toward her menacingly, but she stood her ground.
“Even the young kid Scott reminds you of, chose to join the military. He fought bravely to protect his brothers alongside you. They needed food and supplies for you to care for the men. You didn’t have anything to work with to save those men.”
He grabbed her about the shoulders. His hazel eyes turned wild. “Don’t make me say it again. I don’t want to discuss this.”
“Why?” Claire desperately searched his face, hoping to see a glimmer of acceptance.
“Because I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t save any of them. You don’t know how helpless I felt staring into their eyes, knowing they wouldn’t make it, pleading for them to hold on for just a little longer. I watched my best friend’s blood slip through my fingers. The bullet nicked an artery and I could do nothing but let him go. They protected me for nothing,” Ryder cried.
“They protected you. Your tattoo will always remind you they are a part of you. They wanted you to live a life worth living.”
Ryder shook his head. “I did everything. My moniker was Patch because I fixed shit out of nothing in the field to get my men back to safety. I lost the privilege to carry my name. There was nothing but dirt and sand; no morphine existed to relieve their pain.”
“What choice did you have?” Claire begged him to understand and accept what he already knew.
“I didn’t have a choice,” Ryder answered quietly but without conviction. She failed him like all the others.
“If the rescue team showed up before Gunner died, how many men do you think would’ve survived?” Claire continued to push him to the ledge, waiting for him to jump off and take a chance at a good life.
“None,” Ryder admitted miserably.
“What. Choice. Did. You. Have. Ryder?” Claire knew the moment he accepted the reality of the fateful day.
“I had none. I didn’t have a choice,” Ryder whispered. For the first time, Ryder realized the guilt he clung to freed him when he accepted he was only a mere human, a man with no recourses.