Page 57 of All Your Pain

“Please, Willow.” He sounds like he’s in pain.

What right does he have to feel hurt about any of this?

My confession after he spanked me wasn’t a lie and that hurts worse than what he did to me.

I’m exactly what Dad said I’d become if I ever left him. Maybe I was better off in my tiny cage with him rather than in this predator's enclosure.

If I put up with my dad's harsh words for long enough, I would have had a place with a normal husband, one that would probably only fuck me until they came. I’d be without pain but without pleasure as well.

If I never met Dean I would have never discovered my true self. I can’t hate him for showing me what I really am, he didn’t turn me into this. It was under the surface all along waiting to claw its way out. But I can’t forgive him for any of it either.

I force myself to sit up and don’t push Dean's hands away as he helps me. That’s all he’s done since I’ve been lying here in this numb state, helping me. He’s not demanded I get up or forced himself on me but his kindness makes me feel worse. Like I don’t deserve it.

“Here. You want to try and eat something?” He holds up a bowl and a spoon, when I don’t say no, he brings it to my mouth and I don’t even register what it is as I let him feed me. After a few mouthfuls, nausea gets the better of me and I press my hand to my mouth and shake my head. “That’s okay, baby. Well done for trying.” His words make my heart split open and I cry.

The numbness was so much easier to manage than this.

“Stop trying to be nice to me!” I snap.

He reaches out to hold me but hesitates and draws back. I didn’t think the pain inside me could get any worse but his rejection wrecks me, even if I did ask for it.

He gets up and starts to leave.

No.

Don't leave me alone any longer.

I reach out, grabbing his wrist.

I hold him so tightly I can feel his pulse throbbing through my palm. It feels so good to be connected to him again, it’s like I’m home as long as our bodies can sense each other.

I can’t take anymore of being away from him lost in my own head. I want him to make me feel good and look after me like I really am worth it.

He looks at my hand then up to my face, his eyes flashing with what looks like hope.

“Please,” I sob.Please hold me. Make me feel less pathetic. Please.

Without a word he draws me in close and I cry until there’s nothing left in me.

“Why are you still here?” I ask him and he tenses. “Why bother with me at all? You should just leave me to fade away. I’m so messed up, so damaged. I’m not worth it.”

He gently cups my cheek and I look up at him through my wet lashes. “Willow, I will always want you. You’re not damaged. I’m…I fucked this up but I’m so fucking grateful you’re still here.”

“I can’t do this, Dean.”

“There’s nothing you need to do.” He must see the question in my eyes as he adds, “I’ll do anything for you, Willow, including never letting you go. I need you to know I am yours just as much as you’re mine. Even if you hate me forever, I’ll be right here taking care of you.”

23

DEAN

I’ve not slept in days, how can I when Willow is hurting so much.

I should be happy, fucking ecstatic. After all, I got what I wanted. The confession I’ve been so desperate to hear finally came but the cost wasn’t worth it.

Willow says she hates me, fine. I can deal with that. We have forever for her to come back around.

I shouldn’t have taken my anger out on her.