Page 46 of Rough and Rugged
Desolation lanced through my chest just saying the word.
“What I want is for you to take something from me!” Gemma pushed up out of her chair, as agitated as I’d ever seen her. “You give and you give but you won’t let me give anything in return!” She took a deep breath and blew it out. “You won’t take my money; you won’t take my help… I don’t know what to do. This isn’t how this is supposed to work.”
“How what’s supposed to work?”
“Marriage!” Gemma’s hands flew in the air, punctuating the word. “This is not how marriage works, Caleb!”
“It’s not a real marriage.”
The words erupted out of me, rough and harsh. Gemma’s eyes, face – her whole body – recoiled in hurt, and I wished I could snatch the words back, unsay them.
I couldn’t, though. And the plain fact was, they were true.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that, not that way, but…”
“No.” Gemma shook her head firmly, the hurt in her eyes flaming into anger. “It’s better for me to know how you feel. Maybe it’s not a real marriage, but it could be.”
I forced down the surge of emotions swirling through me – need, want, nearly desperate fucking longing – and answered her the only way I could. The only way that was right.
“That’s not what you signed up for, Gemma. It’s not what you deserve.”
“Things change, Caleb. You know that better than anyone.”
Even as the pain sliced through me at her words, I knew she hadn’t said them to hurt me. My life, my future, had changed forever in an instant. No matter what I did, how hard I tried, I’d never be the same. I hadn’t been the right man for her even before my injury, but now? It was a stark reminder of the many reasons I couldn’t keep her.
“I do know that. Just like I know one thing won’t change, and that’s what I said before – you deserve better. You deserve more. I’m… you’re…” Dammit, this was not the time for my words to leave me. Gemma waited, like she always did, patient even now, while I tried to force my stupid brain to work. “You love people. You love being with them, interacting with them. People loveyou. You’re incredibly talented. You create beautiful things. You’re a bright, beautiful, shining star. You can do and be so much more.”
I finally let my eyes meet hers as she stared at me in stunned silence, her fingertips pressed to her lips.
“I’m none of those things. I’m not and never will be. You deserve someone who is.”
“Then why haven’t you ended this? Why haven’t you divorced me?”
Her words were quiet, an unsteady whisper, and I realized she was shaking. My hands were already reaching for her before I stopped myself, gripping the counter on either side of me so hard I was surprised it didn’t crack.
What could I tell her? Not the truth – that it would kill me to sever whatever tenuous bond tied us together. That I wasn’t strong enough or man enough to do it.
I couldn’t give her the whole truth, so I gave her part of it.
“Being married to you is the only way I can protect you. It’s the only thing I can give you. When the day comes that you don’t want or need that anymore…” I forced myself to say it… “I’ll give you a divorce if that’s what you want. But it won’t come from me, Gemma. I’ll never ask.”
I’ll never let you go. Not willingly.
Tears welled in her eyes and my control nearly fractured. This woman’s tears were my kryptonite. I needed to move before I did something we’d both regret, like kiss the breath out of her and beg her to never leave me.
I couldn’t do that to her.
I nodded at the clothes sitting on the counter next to me. “I brought you something to change into if you want to. You know where the guest room is. I…”
I… what? Wish I was different? Wish it could work between us somehow – the moody, damaged, near-recluse and the perfect, brilliant butterfly? It couldn’t. That was the stuff of fairy tales. And this was very real life.
There was nothing else to say, nothing that mattered. Bracing myself, I met Gemma’s eyes and ground out a good night.
Then I fought every instinct I had and walked away from her.
Chapter Eight
Gemma