Page 110 of Hannah.
But as I hold her, my arms around her slender frame, all I can think about is the woman I left behind and the love I abandoned for a future I’m not sure I want. The candlelight flickers, casting shadows on the walls, mirroring the turmoil within me. I take one last sip of wine, hoping it will bring me some semblance of peace.
28
Hannah
Two weeks.Two weeks since Johan dismissed me from his presence, and I had to retreat back to my dorm room alone, feeling more miserable than I ever thought possible.
Ginger, the girl who offered me brandy the night I confronted Johan at his department, turns out to be a better friend than I expected. After the fiasco with Astrid, I refuse to let myself get too attached to anyone and keep Ginger and her group at arm’s length. Still, she’s welcoming and always makes room for me, extending invitations and saving me a seat when I’m late to whatever meetup they all plan. It’s a nice distraction. It makes me feel more like myself...like the way a fresher at Cambridge should feel.
Then there’s Astrid. I wasn’t lying when I told Johan she’d been trying to get a hold of me to help with the planning, but I don't have the heart actually to go through with it. Astrid offers lunches, dinners, and coffees, but I refuse them all for one reason or another. I give her my opinion on samples she sends me and pretend to be excited over text about the upcomingcelebration, but that’s as far as I will go. I could ruin everything for the two of them if I wanted, but I don’t think it will make me feel any better. It won’t get me Johan back, and it’ll just paint me as a vindictive, obsessive fling. My heart just can't take that.
I just force myself to keep moving forward. What else is there to do? I want Johan more than my next breath, but I can't have him, so all I can do is keep breathing.
Ginger and her friends are going stargazing, which I know is code for drinking in a field while pretending to look at stars, but I have other plans tonight—another date with Conrad.
I didn't want to accept when he first offered, but Ginger saw the text and almost lost her mind with excitement. Conrad is undoubtedly a catch, and if Johan wasn’t in the picture, I might be able to actually feel some interest in him. Ginger never asked who broke my heart, but it’s clear that she knows I’ve been through something rough romantically. It’s why she pushed me so hard to meet up with Conrad despite my better judgment.
“If it makes you feel better, tell him you'll go as friends,” she insisted. “But you’re never going to feel better until you put yourself out there again. Think of it this way—you and Conrad already know each other pretty well. It’d be way more awkward with someone you don’t know.”
I agreed, both with her and to the date with Conrad, and now I have a few hours to unwind after school and get ready. On the way up, I grab my mail, tucking it under my arms until I’m inside my room. There isn't much—a postcard from Andries and Roxanne from their latest vacation, a menu from a local takeout place, and one much thicker envelope that gives me pause. Something about it makes my stomach flip.
I throw the other two pieces of mail on my desk and look over the thick envelope. It’s a warm cream color, textured, with my name and address written in lovely, flowing calligraphy. In the corner are Astrid and Johan’s names. With shaky hands, I run a fingernail under the seal and slide the card-stock contents into my hand, reading it with my heart in my throat.
It’s an engagement party invitation from the Viscount and Viscountess Goschen.
All the air leaves my lungs.
Fuck. They've done it. They've sent out the invitations.
The engagement is real. Johan is really going to officialize it to the world.
My hand flies to my mouth, bile rising in the back of my throat. I’ve avoided thinking about this, refusing to even acknowledge that this day was coming, but now the proof is in my hands.
I throw the invitation on my bed and stumble into the bathroom, tears filling my eyes. No, no, no. This wasn't supposed to happen. Johan was supposed to come to his senses. We were supposed to get our happily ever after. But that isn’t going to happen, and now all I can do is fall apart.
My tears won’t stop pouring down my cheeks until I’m gasping for air. Logically, I knew this was happening, but getting an invitation to the damned engagement party makes it so much more real. It takes some time to get a hold of myself, and I wash my face before collapsing on my bed and letting myself rest. I lay there for over an hour, trying to get used to this reality. My stomach aches, my head throbs, and my chest is sore from my heart breaking all over again. All I can do is stare at the invitation, mocking me on the pillow. This is really the end.
Yet, the minutes are still passing, and life goes on. I have a date tonight to get ready for, and I'll be damned if I let Johan and Astrid make me waste any more time wallowing in my self-pity.Feeling empty but resolute, I finally get out of bed and, with only twenty minutes to spare, get myself ready to go.
Conrad is waiting for me at the pub, and when I arrive, he’s already got a table and a drink. He rises to his feet when he sees me, a smile on his handsome face. He pulls my chair out for me, pressing a friendly kiss to each cheek, and once I’m settled in, offers me his drink.
“I didn't know what you liked, so this is a peach mojito. I figured it’s a good starter option.”
I accept the drink, giving him a tentative smile. “Thank you.”
We order food and make small talk, the drinks and the atmosphere putting me more at ease than I thought possible. Maybe Ginger was right, and this is exactly what I need to start moving on. Conrad is handsome and charming, and by the time our entrees come, the two of us are laughing together easily.
“I can’t believe you stole the prof’s tie and just ran,” I laugh at his story, sipping at my third drink, the alcohol warming my blood. “You sound like you were an absolute menace as a fresher. I’m surprised they let you stay.”
“Oh, the dean threatened expulsion, but my grandfather managed to convince him otherwise.” Conrad grins, his dark hair flopping into his eyes. “Honestly, I probably wouldn't be here now without him. It didn’t hurt that my best friend always got my back, either.”
He’s talking about Johan, of course. Just like that, my good mood threatens to wither away, but I refuse to let that happen. This is an opportunity to get some information, anyway, and maybe Conrad can help me with the agonizing decision of whether to go to this sham of an engagement party or not.
“Speaking of your bestie…” I run a finger around the rim of my drink glass absentmindedly, trying to portray a level of casualness that I don't feel. “Did you also receive an invitation in the mail today?”
“Hm?” Conrad looks up from his plate, recognition dawning. “Ah, you mean the engagement party. Yes. Mine came in yesterday.”
I wonder if that means they hesitated to send me one.“Part of me is still shocked they’re going through with it.”