Page 94 of Hannah.
“Johan,” she says, and then pauses like she doesn’t know what to say next. She jerks slightly like she wants to hug and give me a kiss of greeting like usual, but she thinks better of the idea and settles once more.
“Astrid.” I stop a few feet away and fold my arms over my chest. “Seems we have a lot to talk about.”
“We do,” she agrees, tucking a strand of blond hair behind her ear. “Starting with the fact you've been cheating on me with my friend.”
I’m immediately incensed, but I don't let it show in my body language. I want to keep this talk calm for as long as possible. “I never cheated on you. We weren't exclusive, and I’ve told you multiple times now that I’m not looking for anything serious.”
Her lip curls up into a sneer. “But you’re sleeping with my friend at the same time that you've been sleeping with me. That's pretty serious, don't you think? You both betrayed me.”
Astrid doesn’t need or deserve to know what is between Hannah and me, not after what she’s done, but I still feel like I must explain myself. “That’s not true. The change in our relationship is very, very recent. And like I told you Thursday evening, you and I were never going to be as serious as you want.”
“I don't see why the hell not.” Her voice wavers and it's clear that there's hurt there. But she has no right to it.
“Because that’s never what I wanted,” I snap back, my patience wearing thin.
Astrid jumps from the bench. “So what do you want, huh? To fuck my friend behind my back? That’s it?” She fixes me with her gaze filled with rage. “You’ve been leading me on. Don’t deny it. You kissed me goodbye on Thursday, and then the next day, you go off and spend the weekend with her!”
She’s right, but even so, my temper flares, and I have to take a steadying breath before I continue. “Look, Astrid. Whether you want to admit it or not, you and I were never going to happen. We aren't compatible, and the only thing that has kept our arrangement going for as long as it has is your persistence. Should I have made a cleaner cut? Yes, fine. You’re right about that, and I’m sorry. But you’re lying to yourself if you think I cheated on you with Hannah. You willingly accepted being friends with benefits.” I take a few deep breaths, trying to regain my composure. “I should’ve known it was just a tactic to get what you wanted all along.”
She claps her hands over her chest. “And what is that?”
I study her face for an instant. “A marriage proposal, isn’t it?”
“Yes!” she snaps, jabbing a finger at me. “I deserve a damned marriage proposal! You know why? Because wearecompatible. You’re a good fit for me and my future. We have the same interests, the sex is good, and our families get along so well! What else could there possibly be?”
A rush of sympathy for Astrid hits me unexpectedly. How can she not know what is missing from her list? “Love, Astrid. Love. Passion. That is what else there should be.”
Astrid throws her hands up in the air. “Idolove you. I just never said it because I knew it wasn’t reciprocated.”
I can't believe what I’m hearing, and yet it doesn't surprise me, either. “And you’d settle for someone who doesn't love you? Astrid, really? As angry as I am with you, you deserve better than that. And so do I.”
Her shoulders slump, and the fight drains from her. When she speaks again, her voice is flat. “You don’t love Hannah, and you don’t love me. So what's the problem? We’d have been a great partnership, and you know it.”
I sigh, shifting my weight from one foot to the other. “You don't know how I feel about Hannah.”
“No. I guess I don't. Because you've kept all of this a secret and refused to consider my feelings in any of this.” She all but melts back onto the bench, fingers twisting in her coat, eyes downcast. “I liked her, Johan. She was a good friend…I thought. I cared for her, and you took her from me, just like you took yourself away.” She sniffles, her eyes watering, and she looks up at the sky, trying to prevent the tears from falling. “I can never speak to her again without remembering the two of you pawing all over each other in the rain like that night.”
Now, I’m the one taken aback. “You saw that?”
“I did. On my way back home.”
My throat closes up, and I take a seat beside Astrid, slowly, warily. She's not done, and I’m not quite sure what she'll say, but I have a feeling it's not going to be pleasant.
Sitting beside her, she turns to face me, her expression laced with a sadness I’ve never seen before. “How can you care so deeply for someone you just met but have no room for me at all?”
I try to form an answer, but nothing comes. I can't tell her the truth, not without making things a million times worse. How could I ever explain to her that I’ve wanted Hannah forever, that she’s held a place inside of me for years?
“Tell me the truth,” she insists, her eyes almost pleading. When I don’t answer, she keeps insisting. “Johan, I need to know the truth.”
“I’ve known Hannah for years. It’s just…” I swallow the lump past my throat, the words too hard to come out. “Back then, she was only Elise’s little sister….” A flashback of our time at thehorse show together fills my mind, and I can’t help but smile at it. “I saw her again two years ago, and things took a different turn, but she was too young, and nothing ever happened.” I force myself to look at Astrid despite hating the hurt I see in her gaze. “I never thought she’d come back into my life. Maybe a part of me did, but––”
“But she did come back,” Astrid interposes, a tear streaming down her cheek. “She came back into your life, and you both kept it a secret from me.”
I rub my hand across my brow, wishing I could wake up from this nightmare. But this isn’t a bad dream, and the reality is that Astrid has now heard the whole truth.
“Maybe, but you are forcing my hand by using Hannah’s kleptomania as a bargaining chip, so you aren't a saint either.
She shakes her head. “Not like that. God, Johan. Can’t you see she’s the bad guy in all of this? My family is being so damned generous, and you’re blind to it.”