Page 21 of Beyond the Blues
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my book and read till she wakes up. I flick through the pages of the book, leaving reality and entering the book’s universe. Reading has always been my escape.
“Good morning.” I hear a husky Nora say, coming up behind me and placing gentle kisses on my neck.
I close my book, using a coaster from the bedside table as a bookmark. I turn and face Nora, her eyes still sleepy.
“What are you doing today?” I ask a lot more perky, considering I’ve been up reading for the past hour.
“Got to join a meeting with my band mates about America, but that’s about all.” I then remember that Nora isn’t coming back to London. She’s leaving to go to America for a year. This won’t last forever, but why would she say she wants to get to know me more if she knew she was running off to America still? I suddenly become cold and stand up, walking to the balcony and sitting on the chair, lighting a cigarette to calm my anger. Before Coco passed, I never had to deal with these intense emotions with people leaving me, but once she died, these feelings skyrocketed. My brain instantly goes into panic mode, and once that switch turns on, it takes a while to turn it off again.
“Have I said something?” Nora asks hesitantly by the balcony door. I shake my head, not looking at her. Ophelia, keep your head on, please.
“Well, you’re being weird with me…” Fuck.
“What’s weird is you said you wanted to get to know me more, and that I was ‘different’, yet forgot to remind me your fuckingoff to America for a year?!” I say, facing Nora, who’s shocked about where this has come from.
“I told you I was going to America?”
“And you’re still going after all of this.” I point my fingers between us. “Of course it’s my dream?”
“What will happen to us then, once this holiday is over?”
“I’m not sure. That hasn’t crossed my mind yet. I just know I like you a lot more than I expected.” I scoff.
“Where has this come from?” Nora asks.
“I knew I shouldn’t have told you about Coco.” I say under my breath. “I haven’t done anything wrong, Ophelia!”
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“Well, you’re leaving me! And now you don’t even know if we can continue this, actually I don’t know if I want to continue whatever this is.”
“What the fuck? I never said I didn’t want to continue this, you’ve jumped to this conclusion. All I know was that I was grateful to have met you and whether this continued or not, I was glad I met you. Not whatever this ending is.”
“You can leave now.” I say bluntly.
“Are you serious?” Nora remarks. I nod. She stutters, wanting to say something, but changes her mind, grabbing her stuff and pacing out of the room. The door slams, making me jump a little. I take a deep breath. Trying to acknowledge what had just happened.
I couldn’t let another person leave my life. It was better this happened before I got too attached and actually began to really like her. I feel so angry at myself, at Nora for letting me sleep with her, for letting me open up about Coco. Careless about my appearance, I put on the first bikini I see and grab my book and towel, leaving my hotel room. I walk down to the beach, my sandals slapping the floor with each step. I chuck my belongings on a free sun bed and walk up to the edge of the sea. The waves tickling my feet; I sit on the edge, letting the water trickle underneath me. I draw lines into the sand and then watch the wave wash it away. As the water carries away my words, I feel a profound serenity and sense of freedom. I scribble out my anger and upset in the sand. Coco. Nora. My mum. My job.Myself. The way I’ve left myself to fall into such a deep hole of grief, where nothing feels like it matters to me anymore, nothing lasts forever. Every good thing that comes into my life, I feel like it will leave me eventually, heartbroken and alone, again. I rest my head on my chin, taking in the sea in front of me, children splashing each other, couples hugging, boats speeding past. With my eyes closed, I imagine a life where Coco was still by my side. I imagine a life where I didn’t have to grieve my best friend. Grief is a funny thing really, you have all these people around, loving and supporting you, but the only person you want is the one that’s gone, the heart wants what it can’t have. I should appreciate the ones with me now, because they aren’t gone yet. Overcoming the fear of people leaving me is difficult. It opens me to
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vulnerability. I guess I don’t want to hurt again as much as I have the past six months. But then again, what’s worse? Something bad happening to you or regret? Nora didn’t intend to hurt me. I jumped through hoops and ended in this horrible conclusion, leaving us in a rough patch. Could I allow myself to have this summer of love? Leaving me with bittersweet memories of her, no bad energy or horrible endings? Just a mutual ending? I doubt she’d even speak to me again after how I acted. Choosing to lie on my front, I keep reading my book. I flip through the pages for what feels like only an hour, but the sun is setting and the book finishes. I guess I should grab some food. Maybe I’ll go to Althea’s place?
I get into a sundress, and head on down to Althea’s place, in hopes it’s still open. I walk up the stairs. The lights are dim and it seems quiet compared to the other places nearby. The ‘closed’ sign hangs from the door, the metal clattering against the door. Nevermind, resort food it is. As I walk away, the door unlocks and someone calls my name.
“Ophelia?” I turn around and Althea is by the door, smiling down at me. “Sorry Althea, didn’t realise you were closed.” Instead of shutting the door in my face, she waves me over, welcoming me in. I walk into the cafe, the lighting much dimmer, and the soft buzz of the coffee machine still going. On one table is a pastry filled with green and white goodness. The smell of the buttery pastry made me even hungrier. I sit down by the table, and Althea brings over a slice of the pastry, placing it down in front of me alongside
some cutlery and a glass of ice cold water.
“Spanakopita.” Althea says, pointing towards the plate, sitting opposite me with her plate. I take a bite of the pastry and the feta cheese inside melts in my mouth. This is the best thing I have ever tried.