Page 51 of Wishes for August

“You mean like how I walked in on you kissing your supposed ex or how she’s carrying your baby? Tell me Caleb, were you ever even broken up? Was I just some dirty side piece?” I didn’t know where the words were coming from, but they just tumbled out and I couldn’t stop them. I knew in my gut they weren’t true but I spat them anyway.

“Fucking hell, August! I wasn’t kissing her! She tried to kiss me and I pulled away. And is that what you think? That I was cheating this whole time? Do you really think so little of me?”

I shook my head and swallowed roughly as tears built up behind my eyes. My throat ached with the force it was taking to hold in all the emotion.

“Look sweetheart,” the term of endearment made me choke on a sob, and I forced it back down as best I could. “She was pregnant before she left. She says she didn’t know until later and she only told me today. I promise you, I had no idea.”

I rubbed at the ache blossoming behind my ribs. “Okay,” was all I could get out before a single hot tear rolled down my cheek. It didn’t matter anyway whether he knew or not. She was giving him a future I knew he wanted, one where there was no place for me. With me out of his life, he could focus on Dina and the baby.

Caleb moved to grab my arm, but I pulled away. I couldn’t let him touch me. I couldn’t let his warmth engulf me when I knew with absolute certainty that this was the end of us.

“We can make this work August. I know we can. I told Dina I don’t want to be with her. I want to be with you. You are it for me. I am going to help her raise our baby but that doesn’t change things between you and I. Please, don’t push me away now.”

My head dropped as more tears rolled down my cheeks. I was going to push him away. I was sure I loved him but I hadn’t told him yet and now I never would. That was probably for the best because it wouldn’t be long before he realised that a life with Dina and his baby was better than a life with me.

“No Caleb.” I shook my head. “There is no place for me in this. You always wanted a family and she’s giving that to you. Your baby deserves to have you all the time. To have all of your love and attention. I can’t get in the way of you being a dad. And I can’t hang around waiting for the day you realise I’m a spare part to your happy family.” I covered my face with my hands, rubbing at the tears that spilled.

“Please August, look at me. You’re not in the way. You could never be in the way, and you’d never be a ‘spare part’. How could you even think that?” He was now also crying, and I looked up and watched as he wiped the tears from his cheeks with the back of his hand.

“People make choices, Caleb. And I’m never one of them. You think you know how you feel now but what about a month or a year from now? How long before you realise I am not what you want? I cannot hang around waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it always does, I’ve lived it before. Please, try and understand, it’s better this way, before either of us end up hurt.”

The words, a complete lie, tasted bitter on my tongue because if I was honest with myself, I was already in so much pain. But history is a powerful force that shapes who we become and whatwe believe and I couldn’t shake what my history had taught me: that everyone leaves me once they find a reason. And this felt like his reason, even if he didn’t know it yet.

“And this,” Caleb gestured between us, “This isn’t hurting you? Isn’t breaking your heart? Because let me tell you, it’s tearing mine to fucking shreds.” He rubbed at his chest before continuing, “This is a little hurdle, but we can get through it. I want to raise this baby with you by my side. In our own little family. However we decide to define it. Please, please give me a chance.”

I shook my head and he sighed. “What have I ever done to you to leave you with so little faith in me, August?”

My head dropped down and I rubbed my hands anxiously over my thighs.

“I just don’t think I’d be enough to make you stay.” My words were a whisper, the sad truth that had been tormenting me for years, an echo of my mother’s words the day my father left. “I’m never enough.”

“August, look at me sweetheart. You are everything to me. I need you. I love…” Caleb started but I stopped him not wanting to hear those words cross his lips. Not now, not at the end.

“Stop, please don’t Caleb. Your dream is right there for you now. You told me that day in New York. You told me what you wanted from life. And now you have it.”

He sighed again, defeated, and opened the door. His voice was angry when he spoke but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.

“You’re wrong, August. You are my fucking dream. And we could make this work if you weren’t too spineless to even try. I get that you are scared. But I thought what we had here was worth the risk. I thought that even though you keep your heart so fiercely guarded, I could prove to you that I was worth dropping your guard for, and for a while there I really thought that was the case. I really believed you could love me.”

I looked at him then, my eyes meeting his, the green in them dull and lacking their usual sparkle, and I wondered for a second if he knew that I did love him. That I had for a long time.

“You’re a coward, August,” Caleb continued, “A coward who would rather be lonely than take a chance at real love. I’m sorry your father left you, I’m sorry your mother chose her sadness over loving you, but I am not them. I would have loved you through everything life threw at us because for me, you have always been enough. I am sorry you never trusted in me enough to believe that.”

His words stung because they were true. I took the easier way out - rather than put my heart on the line and trust he wouldn’t break it, I gave up on us. I was a coward.

“August? You do realise it’s 2am here?” the groggy voice on the other side of the phone grumbled. “Why the fuck are you calling me so early?” I was hungover, again and the time difference hadn’t even occurred to me when I picked up my phone. What even was the time here? The sun was coming up, so early morning I guessed. My sleeping patterns were all over the place. I barely left my flat, hardly ate and sought comfort in the bottom of a bottle most days. It had been four days since I’d ended things with Caleb, and I told myself I had a week to wallow in my pity party before I bucked up and got my life back on track.

“I’m sorry Bran, I wasn’t thinking. I’ll call you later.” My voice trembled when I spoke but I bit my bottom lip to stop it, I wouldn’t cry now, not again. I’d yet to tell Branson what had happened. I didn’t want to lay this on him when he was so close to moving. I was afraid he’d stay and this wasn’t his heartache to deal with.

I was fooling myself though if I didn’t think my best friend would know something was up.

“No Aug, I’m up. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m fine.” I rolled onto my side in bed, pulling the blanket higher up to my shoulder, while I held the phone to my ear. I needed water but I wasn’t ready to get out of bed yet.

Branson sighed, the sound loud down the phone. In the background I heard the rumpling of clothing and then the sound of a door closing.

“Don’t give me that bullshit Aug, I can hear something’s wrong. What is it?”