Page 52 of Wishes for August
I hesitated a moment before I spoke, my voice soft, broken and defeated, “I broke up with Caleb. It’s over, Bran.”
The silence on the other end stretched on for what felt like ages, before Branson spoke, “Why August, what happened?”
“He’s having a baby with his ex,” I sighed, and felt exhaustion wash over me. The constant replay in my mind of that day weighed heavy on me, crushing me beneath the weight of what I lost and the realisation that I was alone again.
“What the actual fuck? I don’t even know what to say. I am going to presume the best of him right now and guess that this baby was conceived before you guys got together?”
“You presume correctly.”
He let out a long breath, “Okay, okay, this is surprising and a little shocking but not the end of the world. Does Caleb want to be with her?”
“No, he says he doesn’t,” I said, fiddling with a loose thread on the comforter.
“So, what is the problem then, Aug?”
My mouth felt like sandpaper, making it hard to answer my best friend, so I dragged myself out of bed and headed to the kitchen. Holding the phone between my shoulder and ear, I poured a large pint of cold water.
“He’d end up leaving me eventually. When he realises his life would be better with her and the baby.”
With a glass in one hand, and my phone in the other, I walked to my room and climbed back into bed, sitting up against the headboard. The bed was cold and unwelcoming and the coolness at my back sent a shiver over me. I tried not to think about how much comfort being here with Caleb had once brought me.
“What the fuck are you on about mate? Why are you so sure he would leave you? You know that's not always how life works right?” A muffled voice sounded down the line and I thought I heard someone say Branson’s name but then it was quiet again.
“It is though, Bran, that is exactly how my life works. What’s best for everyone is if I step away and leave him to create a family with…”
“With someone he doesn’t love or want to be with?” he interrupted. “I love you August, but you are a fucking idiot sometimes.” I didn’t know what to say to him. No one could understand how I felt and maybe I was wrong, but I had been hurt enough in the past to not want to even consider the possibility.
I looked around the empty room and I could picture him here. We hadn’t spent many nights at my place but enough for me to feel his absence in the space. His body wash stood in my shower, his hoodie over my desk chair and his stupidly handsome face looked at me from the magnet on the fridge. A photo of the two of us wrapped in towels, shivering on the beach on Christmas morning. Lottie had sent me the photo a week after we returned from theirs. I had loved that photo but now it hurt to look at. I should throw it away. I should throw it all away.
Suddenly, being here alone felt suffocating, like the walls were caving in around me, pushing closer and closer until they crushed the last breath from my lungs. My heart pounded uncontrollably in my ribcage and a chill ran over me causingmy body to tremble. I couldn’t catch my breath and panic rose quickly in my gut. Over the ringing in my ears, I heard Branson’s worried voice.
“Aug? Aug, talk to me. Breathe mate, breathe.” I focused on his voice, on the feel of the phone in my hand and the mattress beneath my legs, on the smell of coffee in my flat and on the morning sun coming through the window. Slowly my heart rate returned to normal and I swallowed, my mouth dry but no longer feeling like I was choking.
“I need…” My voice was raspy. “I need to get away from here, Bran.” I rolled my head to the side and closed my eyes. Willing my mind to think of anything but those beautiful green eyes and the man who broke my heart. It wasn’t fair to blame this on him though. I’d played a part in breaking my heart too; he’d never set out to hurt me.
“You can come to New York if you want?” Branson offered, “Or you could go and stay with my mum? You know she’d be happy to see you.”
The thought of being in New York, with all those memories made my stomach sink more than the thought of returning to the place that had broken me in the first place.
“Yeah Bran, maybe I’ll do that. Go back to bed now, I’ll call you tomorrow.”
Chapter 28
Caleb
Aweek went by, and then another with no word from August. Daisy told me he’d cashed in all his yearly holiday leave and taken a further two weeks unpaid. I could barely eat or sleep, I was snapping at everyone and thoughts of what August was doing and who he was with consumed my every thought.
I was happy about the baby, thrilled to be becoming a father but I couldn't muster the sort of enthusiasm I knew I should have.
Mum had texted him a few times. She told me he said he was fine, but he wouldn’t take her calls. He was well and truly cutting me out and I hated every second of it.
I opened the email I had been torturing myself with for weeks. I read it at least seven times a day. Picturing how he would have been smiling when he wrote it. Laughing at Ruby’s wisecracks. I pictured how he probably came straight to my office aftersending it. How he must have felt when he walked in and saw me with Dina.
I scrolled up and read it again.
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