Page 33 of Counting the Stars
I slouch in the passenger seat of Alex’s car, upset with myself. What was I thinking accepting some random guy’s offer for a date? Okay, he wasn’t totally random, but clearly, I should’ve gotten to know him better before agreeing to dinner. Still, I was just trying to keep Alex at arm’s length. I can’t believe how much my plan backfired. I chew on the inside of my cheek, not knowing whether to laugh or cry at this ridiculous situation.
Alex gets behind the wheel of his SUV and starts up the engine.
“If I didn’t say it before, thank you for coming to my rescue.”
His only response is a curt nod, making me feel even worse. The atmosphere inside the vehicle is heavy and the ride remains silent until I notice he makes a left turn instead of a right, leading us away from our intended destination.
“Umm…” I pipe up. “Did you forget I left my car at the restaurant?”
“Nope.” The one-word answer has such acidity to it.
“Are you okay? Where are we going?” If this were anyone else, I’d be worried, but just like the night he took me to count the stars, I trust him with all my heart.
“Need to blow off some steam and you’re coming with me.” He keeps his eyes focused on the road and a death grip on the steering wheel.
I rest back in my seat and look out the window. If we stay on this street, we’ll eventually merge with the main road that leads to the beach. A few minutes later, we arrive at the lookout spot we sat at several weeks ago. The SUV is barely in park before Alex jumps out and starts pacing the gravelly terrain.
“Alex, are you okay?” I call out as I climb out of my seat. I cautiously approach him, careful not to misstep in these ridiculous heels Michelle loaned me.
“No!” he snaps. “I am not okay. I’m confused. From the moment I met you, I have felt like there has been something between us.”
“I—”
“Let me finish,” he cuts me off. “The least you can do is give me a chance to finish my thoughts.”
I snap my mouth shut and nod for him to continue. Fresh tears prickle behind my eyes. I’ve never seen Alex look so lost, so disheveled. It kills me to think that I’m the cause of it and why.
“I’ve come to your rescue countless times in the pouring rain and snow when you’ve locked your keys in your car. When your condo flooded, I gladly gave up my bed for you. Hell! I’ve even sung to your bashful bladder. I have been very open about my feelings for you, Gabby, and call me crazy, but I’ve always felt like you have feelings for me too.”
Heat creeps up my face. It’s been so hard to deny my pull toward him and I can’t… I can’t lie. Not to the man who’s become my best friend. To the man I’ve denied loving.
“I know you claim you don’t want to be with me because of the amount of women you heard I’ve been with, but how many times have you seen me with someone else?”
“Umm…never,” I say sheepishly. I’ve always relied on the rumor mill to be my excuse and I’m not proud of that. But let’s face it, it suited my needs—my reason not to date Alex.
“I swear, you’re trying to sabotage whatever we can have.” Alex stops pacing. “I’m done skirting around this question. I want answers and I think after what happened tonight, I deserve the truth. Why are you doing this? Why are you not allowing us the chance to find out what it is we have between us?”
An internal war ignites within me. Alex has been so sincere and he’s right; there is something between us. I tried my best to ignore him when I first moved in, but the pure joy I get from spending time with him has such a magnetic pull. He brings me peace, a sense of belonging, and comfort. It’s so hard to do this, but he deserves to know the truth. I owe him that much.
“I lost them.” My voice comes out in a whisper and is drowned out by the waves crashing against the shore. I don’t know if I have the strength to repeat my words, but I can tell Alex didn’t hear me.
“What?” He takes a step closer to me.
“I-I lost them,” I say again a little louder.God, this hurts so much.
“Lost who?” Another step closer and we’re standing toe to toe.
“I can’t do this.” I can’t talk about them. If I do, I’ll have to relive that night and I’m not strong enough for that. I lookdown at my feet, but Alex places his hand under my chin and lifts it up so I’m looking straight at him.
“You need to,” he says with a mixture of gentleness and sternness in his voice. “I think I’ve proven to you that I’ll stick by your side no matter the issue. Whatever it is, you can tell me. No more secrets.”
Secrets. I never thought of my omissions as secrets before, but I suppose that’s just what they are. A pang of guilt hits me. If anyone deserves to hear the truth, the reason why I try not to get too close to anyone, it’s him. Not even Michelle or Aly know what I’m about to tell Alex.
“I’m going to ask you again.” He grabs my hand and splays it against his chest. The forceful beating of his heart begins to subside as his anger is replaced with compassion. “Who did you lose?”
“Everyone I ever loved.” I barely get the words out before I burrow my face into his chest and begin sobbing. He holds me and lets me cry all while lovingly rubbing my back. My initial tears turn to complete wails. My body quivers and my knees feel weak. I know I’d be a heap on the ground if it weren’t for Alex supporting me. I’ve been bottling these emotions up for far too long and now I can no longer control them.
I have no idea how much time has passed, but when I calm down enough to peel myself away from Alex’s tear-stained shirt, I realize the sun has already set.