Page 34 of Counting the Stars
“I soaked your shirt.” I place my hand on his chest. It feels like he just pulled his clothes out of the washing machine and put them on. “I didn’t mean to do that.”
“It’s fine.” He motions to a nearby bench, and we sit down next to each other. I shift as close to him as possible. Feeling him near brings me a sense of calm even though I’m nowhere near done with my turmoil for tonight.
“I-I was sixteen. I had just gotten my driver’s license and was loving the freedom, you know?” I look at him for confirmation.
“I get that. When I was sixteen, I thought I was a full-fledged adult and no one could stop me from making dumbass decisions.”
“Exactly.” I give a sad smile. “Anyway, there was this group of girls that were really popular and for some reason, I always wanted to be like them. You know, the whole grass is greener thing?”
Alex gives a nod, then grabs my hand and squeezes it.
“My life wasn’t bad or anything. As a matter of fact, it was pretty amazing. I had my parents and my sister, Mari—she was fourteen. We were so close. She was my best friend, but things changed when I went to high school and she was still in middle school. I felt like I was too cool to be around her and we began to fight a lot.” I pause, realizing that my thoughts are all over the place. “Anyway, some of the popular girls from school were throwing a party and, to my surprise, they invited me. I was so excited, I felt like this was my moment, my chance to get in with the popular kids, you know?”
“Sounds like a typical teenager,” Alex agrees.
“Yeah, I guess so.” I fidget with Alex’s hand for a moment. “It was a school night and I knew my parents wouldn’t allow me to go. So I made the decision to sneak out of our apartment. Mari and I shared a bedroom and she begged me not to go, but I waited until she fell asleep and snuck out anyway.”
I push down the lump forming in my throat because that night, I betrayed my sister, my best friend.
“I went to the party,” I continue. “It was lame and I realized that these so-called popular girls were just regular people that I idolized for some ridiculous reason. Suddenly, I had a strongurge to be back home with my family. I decided to leave, but when I got to my car, I realized I had locked my keys inside.”
I look up and out toward the ocean. God, I hope they are okay. I feel Alex give my hand another squeeze and realize I stopped talking.
“Some neighbor of one of the girls came out and managed to break into my car. By then, I had been gone for several hours. I started heading back home, but when I turned the corner to our apartment complex, I noticed a ton of smoke and emergency vehicles everywhere.”
Alex audibly sucks in a breath. I have no doubt that he of all people knows what’s coming next.
“My family—we…we weren’t poor, but we didn’t have a lot either. The building we lived in wasn’t the greatest. The landlords cared more about making money than the safety of their tenants. It’s believed that the fire started on the floor below my family’s. Someone left a candle burning too close to their curtains. The building wasn’t up to code and the smoke alarms didn’t work. The-they—”
Queasiness washes over me as I fight to finish my story.
“E-eleven people passed away that night. My mom, dad, and s-sister. I lost them all.” For the first time since starting my story, I look up at Alex. The sun has fully set, but the moonlight reflecting off the ocean provides enough light to see his face. His eyes are filled with sadness, compassion, and love.
“Gabby, I’m so sorry.” He brushes a piece of my hair away from my face.
“I should’ve been with them,” I say. “If I hadn’t locked my keys in my car, I could’ve warned them, gotten them out—and the others too. It’s my fault.”
“No!” The tone in Alex’s voice makes me jump. “No. It’s not your fault. You did not start the fire and if you had been home, you probably would’ve died too.”
“But maybe I would’ve survived and been able to wake everyone,” I argue.
“How? You said it yourself: the smoke detectors weren’t functional.”
“But—”
“No buts.” Alex shakes his head. “I’m so deeply sorry that you had to go through something like that and especially at a young age, but did it ever occur to you that you locked your keys in your car for a reason? You weren’t supposed to be there that night, Gabby. You were meant to live.”
“Meant to live?!” I jump up from the bench. “Why? So I could be spared and tortured for the rest of my life? The apartment complex was torn down and the city replaced it with a flower garden. A fucking flower garden with a cheap plaque remembering the victims. I purposely drove fifteen minutes out of the way to work just so I could avoid passing the area. I stopped going downtown because I couldn’t bear to be near the restaurant where my dad was a sous chef. I accepted a job at the worst hospital in the city because I couldn’t bring myself to step foot in the nicer one where my mom worked. I wanted to be a nurse and follow in her footsteps, but I wasn’t prepared for the burn victims. I had a panic attack the first time one was brought in. I—”
Two large hands grab hold of my shoulders. “Gabby, you’re spiraling!”
“Spiraling?” I laugh maniacally. Anger replaces my sadness. “That’s not even all of it. I finally decided that maybe a fresh start would be just what I needed. So I packed up everything to start a new life. Wouldn’t you know that my first full day here, I meet the most amazing man I could ever dream up?” Because I locked my keys in my car…how ironic.
I pause for a moment and flex my hands into fists. My frustration only grows at the thought of my cruel twist of fate. Alexkeeps his focus on me, but I know he’s not sure how to react to my outburst. I can’t stop now. Once the floodgates have opened, there’s no going back.
“The one person who brings me so much joy…who makes me feel like I’m finally whole again…is also a man who runs into burning buildings for a living. That is why I fight so hard not to love you!”
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