Page 102 of PS: I Hate You
Followed closely by the words we spoke to each other right before parting ways.
“Are you seeing anyone?” Dom had asked me when we were fifteen minutes away from the airport. “In Seattle?”
“Way to ask me thatafterour two-day sex marathon.”
He’d glared at me, and I’d rolled my eyes. “No. I’m not seeing anyone. Currently, I am sleeping with you. And only you. Are you currently sleeping with me, and only me?”
That earned a reluctant smile from his stern mouth. “Yes. You and only you.”
“Cool. If that changes, please let me know.” And I was proud I didn’t even hint at what happened that summer.
“It’s not going to change.”
I liked how he said that. Kind of with a warning growl.
“Awesome. But if it does, give me a heads-up.”
“Maddie.” He sighed my name like I was the most exasperating woman in the world, which for Dom, I probably am.
But then he reached over the center console and held my hand until we arrived at the rental car return. Then he stood close to me in the security line and walked with me to my gate—even though it was the opposite direction of his—and watched my stuff while I used the bathroom. When they called my boarding group, he did the same check of my items he’d performed at the Dallas airport, only this time he kissed me when his checklist was complete.
“Come to the twins’ graduation,” he said the moment our lips parted.
I told him I’d think about it.
A week later I’m still thinking about it.
And about him.
And about whatever the hell we’re doing.
What is happening between us?
It feels so much like that time when I was nineteen that it scares me. But it also feels deeper. It feels like more. Like all the barriers I put in place have cracks in them and Dom is finding his way through to the center of me. And having him here, so close to my heart, is wonderful and terrible. Because I don’t know how to trust it. How to trust him.
Maybe we’re just…bang buddies. Ash-spreading bang buddies.
Though I doubt this is what Josh had in mind when he left me the task of watching over his friend.
Shoving up from my desk, I pace around my apartment, my feet leaving imprints in my newly vacuumed carpet. Sometimes I stress clean. Luckily, I have plenty of framed puzzles to dust. I pluck my Swiffer from the closet and get to work, starting with the puzzled-together image of a redwood forest that hangs above my bed.
I know what Josh is trying to do with these letters. He’s forcing me to have adventures. Part of me loves him for it. But another part of me hates how he continues to force me out of my comfort zone. How this request takes away my safety. Not so much physically, although there is that risk every time I pull out my inhaler because my breath is short. But Josh unknowingly is forcing me to risk my heart. Because it’s impossible to spend any amount of time around Dom and not give him pieces of it.
He hurt me in the past. He wrecked me.
Would I survive if he did it again?
Rain pounds against the windows in my apartment, reflecting the storm in my mind.
If I keep it simple, I can keep my heart safe. If Dom and I just hook up when we’re together, but don’t plan or ask for more.
That was the problem when I was younger. I thought I was at the beginning of an epic love story. If I know this is simply a release for us both, one that will end when the trips do, then there’s no reason for my heart to break.
“I wish you were still here so I could yell at you about this.” I say the words to the pirate trunk that holds the rest of Josh’s remains, imagining that my brother can hear me. “You always wanted me to be brave like you. But I’m not like you. Honestly, I think I’m a coward. And it’s not fair that you can go and die and leave me with this task that forces me to be uncomfortable around your sexy best friend and I can’t even argue with you about it.”
I laugh in exasperation.
And then I think of the graduation.