Page 126 of PS: I Hate You
But Josh knew me best. He knew how weak I was.
How weak Iam.
Not like Rosaline.
“Do you know what it was like to come home and see her, the perfect daughter?”
Rosaline was so amazing even my mother wanted her as a daughter.
“You weren’t worth sticking around for, were you?”
I guess I’m also not worth making a flight for.
Not when his ex-wife needs him to help fix something in the home they used to share.
How long before he goes back?
The painful doubts prick at me until I’m flinching back into reality and armoring myself with anger to protect my ravaged underbelly.
“Don’t bother,” I say into the phone I still clutch to my ear.
“What?”
“You’re busy. Don’t inconvenience yourself.” Shoving off the bed, I kneel by my suitcase and unzip the large pocket. Pushing aside my cutest sweaters and a new silk nighty I feel like a fool for buying, Iunearth Josh. “I’m here. I have the ashes. I’ll go to the coordinates and spread them myself.”
“Maddie.” Dom’s voice tightens. He almost sounds hurt. “We’re supposed to do this together.”
“I know that.I’mthe one who’s here,” I snap. He has no right to feel pain over this decision. I’m the one alone in North Dakota.
“And I’ll be there soon.” He keeps his voice calm and careful. “With the letter.”
The letter. Josh’s words.
I was supposed to be only a short drive away from hearing Josh speak to me again. And even if he did pity me, his homebody sister, that doesn’t change the fact that I love him. That I need him.
In this moment more than ever.
I still can hear from him. I don’t need Dom to be here with me.
“I’ll call you when I’m at the destination. You can read it to me.”
Ignoring the sounds of his protest, I hang up my phone and switch it back to airplane mode.
With fingers that shake, I grab the rental keys and the room key that has a tiny peacock key chain I don’t find so charming anymore. When I’m in the car, I start the engine and point the wheels toward the next destination.
North Dakota’s Enchanted Highway.
This time I did my research, wanting to know how much physical training I’d need to reach the coordinates Josh left. But there’s no hiking this time around. This visit clearly arose from my brother’s fascination with roadside oddities.
When I set out, my intention was to head directly to the coordinates.
But the Enchanted Highway has multiple massive sculptures along the route, and when I spy the first one, my hands turn the wheel to pull over and park without conscious thought.
Geese in Flight.I recall the name from my online search, and I spend a good long time staring at the geese formed from scrap metal.Eventually, I start the car again and keep driving, only to pull over at the next one.Deer Crossing.
When I stop at the third—Grasshoppers in the Field—I realize I’m avoiding the end. The end of this, the second to last trip.
Avoiding the man who’s been with me at every other step of this journey.