Page 69 of A Wish for Us

“Bonnie?” My mama pushed open the door to my room. The second I saw her, I crumpled where I sat. Tears streaked down my face. My shoulders shook as I remembered the look on Cromwell’s face as I told him about me. It was devastation, pure and simple.

And when he wouldn’t go…when he wanted to stay by my side…

Arms wrapped around me. I sank into my mama and cried like I’d never let myself cry before. She ran her hand down my back, letting me have this moment. Letting me exorcise this pain. I cried and cried until my tears ran dry. My throat and chest ached with the purge. Mama lifted my chin, and I looked into her eyes.

She had been crying with me.

“Baby,” she whispered. She ran her hand along my cheek. “I never knew you liked him.” I nodded and looked out of my window. At the students going about their everyday life, not a care in the world. Not living in the pain of hurting someone they’d grown to care deeply for. Feeling the void in my room since Cromwell left.

“It’s not fair.” I sighed and felt the palpitation flutter in my chest. The feeling no longer surprised me. It was part of my life. “Why did God put him in my path now? When it’s too late? When I might not make it?” I looked at my mama. “Why would He be so cruel?”

Mama sat on the end of my bed. “Maybe he was brought into your life to help make it better. Have you ever thought of that? Maybe he was brought in at exactly the right time. When you will need people you love around you most.”

If my heart could have raced, it would have right then. But I shook my head. “Mama…” A cave formed in my stomach. “What if they don’t find me a heart?” I saw her flinch just at the thought. Seeing those I loved ripped into pieces by my illness was the worst thing of all. The sight of them falling apart was the cruelest kind of torture. And I’d let Cromwell slip through. “What if I let him in completely, and then I don’t make it? How could I do that to him? How could I hurt him that way?”

Mama held my hand. “Don’t you think that should be his choice, sweetheart? You’ve already got so much weighing on your soul. Don’t add making decisions for him to the list.”

I imagined letting him in. I thought of the weeks and months ahead, not fought alone but with him by my side.

The suffocating darkness of fear was drowned out by the light.

“Your papa will be here now, sweetheart. Let’s get your things and go home.”

I rested on the bed as my mama and papa took care of my things. Mama waited in her car as I shut my dorm room and walked outside. My papa was driving my car home.

“I’ve called Easton,” Mama said. I took a deep breath. She squeezed my hand. “We have to tell him, Bonnie. There’s no more holding it off.”

I ran my hand over my sternum. “I don’t think I can…it will break his heart.”

Mama said nothing. Because she knew it too. But it had to be done. She pulled away from the campus and drove toward home.

As we turned into our driveway, I looked up at the white house with its wraparound porch. Mama’s hand squeezed mine. “You okay, Bonnie?”

“Yeah.” I got out of the car and walked slowly to the front door. I went to go up to my room, but my mama put her hand on my arm. “We’ve made up the office as your room now, sweetheart.” I shook my head. I remembered now. Stairs were causing me too much of a problem. And as things got worse, equipment would have to be brought to the home. My room needed to be accessible.

Mama led me to what was once my papa’s office. I smiled on seeing my electric piano in the corner. I absently noticed the lilac color of the walls andthe carpet at the end of the bed. But I was moving to my piano and sitting on its stool before I’d even blinked.

I lifted the lid and started playing. I felt all the tension leave me as the music filled the room. I didn’t even know what I was playing at first; I just played whatever was in my heart. My fingers were clumsy, the agility in them fading. But I kept playing. I wouldn’t stop until I had no choice.

As the last note faded out, I smiled. Opening my eyes, I noticed my mama standing in the doorway. “What was that? It was beautiful.”

I felt my cheeks burning. “It was something Cromwell wrote.” I had memorized the few bars he had composed in the coffee house. It was my new favorite.

“Cromwell composed that?”

“He’s a genius, Mama. And I’m not just saying that or exaggerating. He can pretty much play any instrument. It’s why he’s at Jefferson. Lewis invited him and gave him a scholarship. He was something of a child prodigy. Some say he’s a modern-day Mozart.”

“Then now I see it.” She joined me on the stool.

“What?”

“Why you’ve fallen for him.” Her arm linked in mine. “The way you love music. You were always going to find someone who loves it too.”

A smile crept on my lips, but it quickly fell. “He’s kinda damaged, Mama. He has all this talent, but he doesn’t like to play or compose. Something holds him back.”

“Then maybe you should help him find the love he’s lost.”

I blew out a breath. “I can’t believe you’re approving of him.” I thought of his tattoos and piercings, his permanently dour expression. “He’s not exactly the typical boy next door most mamas want for their baby girl.”