Page 61 of More than a Memory
* * *
Back at the office, Darcy buried herself into her work. Anything to keep her mind occupied anywhere but on Sam. She filed, completed invoices, straightened her desk, then was going for the vacuum cleaner when a familiar voice startled her out of her concentrated effort at forgetting.
“What’s up?” he drawled slowly, already pretty sure he knew the answer to his own question.
“Sam! What are you doing here?” Darcy asked, her heart practically jumping out of her chest.
“Well, it’s kind of unusual for you to not return my calls and messages, so I thought I’d better come and check on you,” he said.
Stammering, she was completely unprepared for this unexpected turn of events, and the dreaded conversation she had to have with Sam. This wasn’t the way she had planned it. Damn the man.
“Yes…I was going to call you tonight…you see…I’m a little….”
“Scared?” he answered for her.
“Sam, it’s much more than that. I’m broken. You deserve someone whole, someone who can give you their heart without all of this drama and neurosis.”
“Don’t I have a say in what is in my own best interests? Don’t kid yourself, Darcy, this isn’t about taking care of me. It is all about you.”
“Sam, when you left last night, I fell apart. I literally had a full-blown panic attack, flashbacks and all! Do you really want to be with someone who is so fragile that an intimate evening spent together can send her into a tailspin that she may or may not recover from?”
“Yes, if you are that someone, the answer is yes,” he said solemnly.
“Well, sorry about your luck. This just isn’t working for me. I just can’t go there, the terror is more than I can bear,” she said, beginning to cry.
“Darcy, we are all broken in some way. We can’t get through life without loss and heartbreak, not if we’re really living. We can get through this together. You don’t have to have a knee-jerk reaction every single time you feel afraid. I’m not trying to trivialize your trauma or your experience, but you compound everything by running. It’s like your process is stuck in the same groove.”
He continued, barely containing his frustration. “Look, I’m no expert, and again, I mean no disrespect, but ‘Oh no, I’m afraid, I’m having a panic attack,’ doesn’t always have to segue into ‘therefore, my heart has to be forever encased in a tomb, never to see the light again, I must ditch Sam.’”
“Sam…I hear what you are saying, and from a logical perspective I get it, but this is not logical or rational. I don’t know how to say it in any other way. I’m shattered, I’m a million tiny pieces of glass glued back together, and I am never confident that the glue is going to hold. I’m sorry, I just can’t do this with you. If I were to do it with anyone, it would be you. I want you to know that. I tried; I really did.”
“Did you, Darcy? Did you really? Can you honestly look me in the eye and say that you gave it your all? If you can, then I will walk out that door now and I won’t be back,” he said, voice breaking.
Darcy took a deep, shuddering breath and mustered up all the courage she could find to finally meet Sam’s beautiful, sincere, loving eyes that were currently filled with pain because of her, and said, “Yes, I do believe that I did. I’m done, Sam. Go find someone who is worthy of the wonderful man that you are.”
28
As the door closed behind Sam, Darcy was overcome with a pain so deep she could no longer breathe. She curled up into a ball as racking sobs overpowered her. It was a deep, dark, and familiar pain, one that was always lurking just beneath the surface, ready to devour her like the cunning predator that it was.
* * *
The sun was setting before Darcy was finally able to drag herself and Mac to the car for the lonely drive home. Hollow and empty now, she felt no answering joy to the canines’ greetings. Eager for her usual joyful response, they seemed worried and confused by their companion’s robotic entrance. In a trance, she went through her routine of feeding the dogs and letting them out, but she wasn’t really there. Her body was doing it, but her mind, emotions, and spirit were absent, nowhere to be found.
When she had finished tending to her pack, she went straight to her bedroom and, still fully clothed, collapsed onto the bed. Now, really concerned, the dogs quietly jumped up and lay beside her, subdued but attentive to Darcy.
That is how Annie found her several hours later. When Darcy had not responded to the messages she had been leaving since nine o’clock that morning, she had become concerned and decided to head over to the house to check on her sister.
The house was shrouded in darkness when she arrived, not one light on, either inside or out. This gave Annie pause. It was only nine at night, and Darcy tended to be a late-night person rather than an early bird, so she was cautious when she entered through the back door.
“Darcy?” Annie called tentatively. No answer. “Darcy?” A little louder this time. Finally, Freddie and Fannie appeared, but they were not their usual happy go lucky selves.
“Hey guys, where is your mama?” Annie asked, crouching down to say hello.
They seemed to be telling her something as they ran a few paces then looked back to see if she was following them. She got the hint and trailed behind them to Darcy’s very dark and quiet bedroom.
“Darcy?” she called again.
Seeing a form on the bed in the gloom, she rushed over to where Darcy lay curled up. She reached for the switch on the bedside lamp, illuminating the room in a soft glow.