Page 62 of More than a Memory
“Oh, Love, what is it? Come here,” she said, sitting on the bed and gathering her sister up into her arms.
Soothingly, she murmured comforting words and sounds as she rocked her big sister, holding her tight.
Darcy had thought she couldn’t possibly have another tear to shed, but she was wrong. Having her sister there to comfort her brought on a fresh wave of grief, and she cried as Annie held the safe space for her to let it all out.
After some time had passed, Annie asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”
“There is nothing to talk about. I’m too fucked up to be in an intimate relationship, end of story,” Darcy said sadly.
“That’s simply not true. You have loads of intimate relationships, me and you, for an example.”
“You know what I mean,romanticrelationships,” she corrected.
“Intimacy is intimacy. It simply means that you are letting someone into your heart, you reveal yourself to them, you lay yourself bare, which makes you vulnerable to losing them,” she said, knowing where this was going.
“Look, Annie, from the outside I know it must seem like I’m a coward and just not willing to walk through the fire, but right after Ryan was killed, I ceased to exist. I was just a hollowed-out shell of the person I was before. The grief swallowed me up, but the worst part was the guilt. It gnawed on me every waking hour and followed me into my dreams at night. Why did I get to live? Why was he the one that had to die. I honestly wished it had been me instead of him,” she confessed.
Annie just listened as her sister continued.
“I played the scene over and over in my head until I thought I would lose my mind, the what ifs, the I should haves, the if only I hads…”
“That is grief, that is the process Darcy! It’s your body and mind’s attempt to heal. Regret is a part of life, unfortunately. There is no perfection. The ‘what ifs’ are a fantasy we use to torture ourselves. We all do it to some degree about something. I don’t need to tell you what a great guy Sam is, but I do need to say that he is also a man that can go the distance. He would never shy away from the ugliness of life. He is a doctor, healing the most innocent beings on the planet. He has compassion, he has empathy, and he lovesyou, Darcy.”
“I don’t deserve it,” Darcy replied.
“Nonsense! Everyone deserves love. Especially you! You are equally compassionate and empathetic. Where would I be without you? I shudder to think of it. You have always carried everything for our whole family. You shouldered the burden without complaint because of your capacity to love. Because you are good and kind and generous. I don’t want you to lose out on another chance at true love. Ryan wouldn’t have wanted that either. Don’t you see? Sam can handle it! He can help you just like I’m doing right now if you let him!” she said emphatically.
“I wish it were that easy. I wish I could just say that I’m all in and we could live happily ever after. That’s not reality. Not mine anyway. I tried, I just can’t take that leap. My faith dried up a long time ago. I can’t go through it again,” she said, sounding like her very soul was weary.
“Just promise me this: that you won’t shut the door entirely. That you will give it a few days and then reevaluate,” Annie begged her sister.
“It’s too late, Annie, I already pulled the plug. We are done, he walked.”
“He walked or he was shoved?”
“What does it matter? It’s over.”
“I’m going to make us some hot tea, then we will put on jammies and curl up and watch a few oldFriendsepisodes. I’m spending the night and taking care of my sister. You got that? No arguments!”
“I love you, Annie.”
“I love you, too, Sis.”
* * *
The following day, Darcy kept her word and showed up at Rachel’s house, lunch in hand and dog by her side. Like before, Rachel answered the door with a baby on her hip and a toddler beside her, grinning.
“Darcy! Hi!”
“Hi Rachel.”
“Excuse the mess… again,” she laughed remembering she had said the very same thing the last time.
“It’s good to see you,” Darcy said.
Mac entered first, causing Caleb to squeal with delight as the dog smothered him with kisses. There was nothing like a child’s laughter to lighten the mood. He was having a fit of giggles that had Darcy and Rachel doing the same. Wiping her eyes, Darcy made room for herself on the couch and sat down.
“You can let your dog off his leash if you want,” Rachel offered.