Page 97 of Gambler's Conceit
I mewl, giving a shake of my head. I’m not ready for this to almost be over. I need more of it to ground me, to hold me down and refuse to let me go until my entire world is nothing but pain and distance from the thoughts that had dragged me here. “More,” I croak out. “Need… need more.”
The flogger comes down on my back again, over one of the existing welts. I cry out and raise my ass in the air in a desperate, silent plea.
I hear something clatter to the floor, and then Caleb sits down next to me. “Shh. You’re done, pet. You did well.” He trails his fingers over the freshest welts. “How are you feeling?”
I whimper.
“I learned my lesson,” I whisper, the words so ingrained that I don’t know what else to say.
I’m not sure that’s true, though. I’m not sure I learned anything at all.
Vortex sits on the other side of the bed, and he quietly says, “The only lesson to learn is that one of us will always be here to give you what you need.”
Caleb shakes his head, and I panic, expecting a reprimand or a real punishment. Instead, he asks, “Why did you really go to that man today, Seven? Be honest now.”
It all threatens to come storming back, and I blink several times as I try not to let it. But now that the thoughts are there, I can’t get rid of them.
“I don’t… I can’t…” I nearly choke on my words, and I rub my face against Havoc’s groin in the hope that he’ll interrupt, that he’ll try to turn this toward sex.
I know better, though.
The itch beneath my skin is becoming familiar, and I need more of that pain to try to get rid of it—because if I don’t, I don’t know what will happen. I can’t tell Caleb the truth. He really would get angry at me.
He wouldn’t understand.
I give a hard shake of my head, even though I’m dreading him deciding that he’s going to pull away from me.
“Hey, none of that,” Vortex says gently. He pets my shoulder. “If you don’t want to tell Caleb, you can tell me or Havoc. But you gotta tell us, so we can help you in the future.”
I try to fight back a sob, but the sound just ends up strangled, making me sound like some wounded animal. “I’m… I was… I… It was…” I try, stammering out the words as I try to make sense of my own feelings. “I’m scared,” I finally manage to get out. “And I wanted—” I can’t tell them what I’d wanted, how badly I’d needed to hurt myself. “I wanted it to stop hurting.”
Havoc huffs. “I’m always down for some rough sex. You know that, Seven.”
“You weren’tthere,” I say, hating myself for sounding so pathetic. “No one was. And Iknow, it’s stupid not to be able to be alone, and I?—”
I glance at Caleb through my tears, then fall silent.
“I don’t know,” I mumble.
“I left you my number,” Havoc says quietly, for all the good that had done me.
Caleb suddenly gets up, and despair crashes into me. He’s going to leave. Just like I thought, he’s going to leave, and while I should be relieved, I’m just not.
“I’m getting lotions for your back,” Caleb says. “I’ll be right back. Vortex, can you grab a drink for Seven?”
“On it, boss,” Vortex says, the weight lifting from the bed as he gets up too.
I want to scream as they leave me.
Havoc’s grip on me tightens. “Hey, I’m right here. Just focus on me for now, okay?” He bends forward to kiss the top of my head. “Do you need me to do anything? You want me to get your clothes?”
I squeeze my eyes closed against the tide of panic all over again. “No! Please, please just stay.” The tears burn like the alcohol had going down. “I don’t want to be alone.”
Havoc suddenly pulls me upright and into his arms. He squeezes, and that makes the pain in the welts flare up, and I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse. I sob into his shoulder.
I hear Caleb walk back, and the mattress shifts with his weight. The cream he starts to apply smells different from the other scents he’d used, but it’s cool and soothing when it goes onto my back. “This might be easier if you lie down again, Seven, but…”
I shake my head and tighten my arms around Havoc. “Please,” I croak out. “Please don’t make me move.”